Samantha's Something Clever

It's baaaaaack......

2011-09-07T16:52:00.000-04:00

The nausea. The headaches. The unrelenting sadness. The beat-you-down, tear-you-apart, leave-you-begging unrelenting sadness. It's back and I don't know why. WHY? I do everything I am supposed to do. I take my mobile pharmacy of medicine. I go to my weekly therapy sessions and can honestly say they're working. Or at least, I leave and am feeling better about things, but maybe it's because talking about things is abstract? It's so easy to talk isn't it. It's so easy to guess at why things are happening in life. Why the people in your life are behaving how they are behaving toward you or why are you exhibiting certain behaviors? Well, it could be a million different things all of which are so easy to talk about. All of which are hard as hell to implement change in real life.

Maybe it's not the stuff I talk about though. Maybe the stuff killing me is the stuff I don't talk about. Even in the room I pay for to talk about anything and everything in. The room I can dump my darkest secrets into and there they stay locked up. But, like people, maybe I just don't trust the room. I don't trust the four walls to keep my secrets. Why not? I wish I could answer. It's like there are things I need to get off of my chest, but I don't know who to tell. Who do you turn to when there's no one to turn to? Maybe if I just stood in a room and just said it out loud? Maybe just purging it would make me feel better. I don't have to keep it all inside where it's ready to burst out almost all the time. My secret is not life altering. No one is going to want to hurt someone. It's probably the stupidest thing ever. But I've blown it up completely out of control.

So, for now I'm losing my footing. The ground is slipping from under me. The darkness is again descending upon me at possibly the worst time.

What the hell is wrong with me?

'Til death do us part, eh?

2011-09-03T13:05:00.001-04:00

Which of us will go first?!?!

Mama Kat's Losin' It Writing Prompt September 1, 2011: Write about a time you disappointed yourself

2011-09-01T10:15:00.001-04:00

2.) Write about a time you disappointed yourself.

Well, this isn't a difficult writing prompt is it? I write about it all the time. My life seems to be a constant disappointment to myself. The more difficult prompt might be "write about a time you were proud of yourself". But, I digress. Most recently, I suppose, I've been obsessing about something. There really is no other way to describe it. Obsession is kind of what I do. I get it into my head and then think about it until it's all I can think about and then I've blown it completely out of proportion and what it began as was nothing more than a passing comment or a glance or a touch and now I've thought it to death. What the hell is wrong with me? I really do want to be like normal people. (Though, who gets to decide what's normal, right?) I just can't get this out of my head and I can't write it down and I can't talk about it because I don't think my family or friends would understand. Or they probably wouldn't understand what I've blown up a nothing into. They would probably understand the nothing. How funny. But I can't go back to the nothing. It's already gone. I occasionally think about when it was nothing, but my brain has the incredible, surprisingly super-fast ability to fast-forward to what everything has exploded into and all of a sudden I can't even see what all of this began as.

So disappointed in myself, yet again. Just one more thing to add to the rapidly increasing pile of things I do or have do and probably will do to disappoint myself.

The last 8 months...

2011-08-31T22:51:00.001-04:00

So, it's more than half way through the year and I thought I would update what I have accomplished this year so far....

(1) I lost my job.
(2) I sent my baby to preschool for the first time.
(3) I have been keeping my weekly therapy appointments and really feel like they've been useful.
(4) I've lost about 20 pounds. (Go ME!)
(5) I've cut some unhealthy people out of my life. Painfully, but necessarily.
(6) I've said goodbye to one of my best friend's, Kaiser.
(7) I've had surgery twice. (My insurance company must love me.)
(8) I've watched my beautiful baby grow into a beautiful, grumpy, active, fussy, funny, firecracker of a toddler.

In all, when I think about it, it's been a pretty uneventful year. Boring even. Painful.

When Lord? When's my time?

2011-08-31T22:40:00.003-04:00

When is everything going to make some sense? My brain is constantly running a mile a minute about everything and is making sense of nothing. Since I last wrote, my body has been through a plethora of pain and indignities, but even that has not bothered me nearly as much as not being able to make sense of what is going through my head. What happens when you think about the same thing literally a million different times, in a million different ways and it doesn't matter because the likelihood of any of it mattering is so infantile, so miniscule, so remote that I would likelier be a can-can dancer in Tijuana before any of it ever happened. (Which is to really say, never.)

Why must I do these things to myself? Why can't I just let it go? Obsession is not the same thing as determination and determination can sometimes be useless when you can't really make sense of the ridiculousness of what is happening anyway.

I feel like I am completely losing control and getting better at the same time.

WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

Guilty as charged

2011-07-12T21:08:00.004-04:00

[...] If I were better at physics, I could probably create an equation for this: It is not so much the piano falling; it is the constant potential that the piano will fall. It is an imagined piano, endlessly falling, waiting to take shape the minute I stop looking for it. As soon as I relax, it will form out of the air molecules. I am guilty of the happiness that comes from feeling good, from not craning my neck. That loose space, the space unwatched, the life lived."

- Aimee Bender, "House of Love and Bragging", The Modern Jewish Girl's Guide to Guilt

So, as it turns out, this book isn't as funny as I thought it would be. No, indeed. It's far more serious and thought-provoking which is exactly what I WASN'T looking for. Alas, I'm reading it because there is something compelling about it that urges me to read on. The passage above by Aimee Bender is just one of many I could have quoted as though the writers were writing just for me. I realize, though I think I have always known, as I was reading that I live my life waiting for the next bad thing to happen because bad things always happen. The piano is hovering above me waiting to fall and the moment I think things are okay, or I stop waiting for the piano to fall, it crushes me like a pancake. Bender says the guilt is from happiness, of not waiting for the piano to fall and that this is our lot in life. I long ago accepted that this was my lot in life. The piano mercilessly hovering, waiting to crush me. I need no prompting to feel guilt. Guilt is like a weight around my neck and though there are moments I feel as though I can see rays of sunshine, I am dragged back down into the bog by this mass slowly pulling me down and drowning me in the mud.

As it turns out, this book is totally enlightening in a totally heavy and depressing way. It's telling me what I already know, but much more eloquently and with beautiful prose, as if that makes the pill easier to swallow. Oh, the guilt I feel. About everything. Even about being happy.

Swallowed

2011-07-10T21:44:00.010-04:00

Shattered, Battered and Weathered

Remember when?

Your broken mirrored promises

tied knots in ribbons long ago frayed and a

Broken heart left

Swallowed.

Promises, so many

Patience, so little

Crushing pain and despair

A seeming disconnect

A knowing hurt.

Endless waiting

hoping

wishing

Now, years in shambles

WHY?

Different than me has always been an enemy.

Mama Kat's Writing Prompt 7.5.2011:We just celebrated America’s Independence! Write a poem about what freedom means to you.

2011-07-05T21:37:00.004-04:00

We just celebrated America’s Independence! Write a poem about what freedom means to you.

Freedom is...

Freedom

A double edged sword

But expected

respected?

Freedom to believe, hope and love

It fits me

But

Horrific War

Death and Heartache

Patriotism in every form

Given to every American when their born

But are we free

Certainly

Compare your lives

To those who strive

to live

Oppression

www.mamakatslosinit.com

HAPPY 4TH OF JULY!!!!!!

2011-07-04T21:43:00.001-04:00

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY!!!!!!!

Lightning Crashes

2011-06-28T18:52:00.003-04:00

Not again. Please, not again. Darkness descends upon me and once again I find myself being consumed by it. In shocking flashes of light, I see my life passing me by as I continue to fall so deep into despair, there is seemingly no chance to escape its grasp . I close my eyes and I am reeling into a cavern so deep, sunshine does not touch its walls. Smooth and cold, there are no footholds. There is no escape. A prisoner in my own mind. Why can't I forget? Why can't I escape the pain, the fear, the heartache, of this aching and numbing depression? Why can't I emerge from the storm?

Mama Kat's Writing Prompt 6.25.2011: A Country you would like to Visit--FRANCE

2011-06-25T13:17:00.003-04:00

4) A country you would like to visit: FRANCE

France brings to mind so many things for me. The Eiffel Tower. Love. Art. But let's be honest, what it really makes me think of are open air markets. Of fresh baguettes. Of delicious vintage wines. Roadside cafes. Fresh produce. Fields of lavender. For me, this is France. The Louvre? Lovely. The Mona Lisa? A must see. But the true France is in it's taste, in its smell and in its soil. France is more than monuments and galleries and haute couture. To love France is to feel it coarse through your veins and let it wash over you encompassing you mind, body and soul.

This brings me to my most secret of secrets. Can you keep a secret? It's my biggest dream of any dream I've dreamed.... I want to sell nearly (I mean there are some things you just can't part with) everything I own, pack up my family and pets and move to a quaint stone house in a field in Provence. Oh my gosh, I can't believe I told you! It's my "crazy dream" because it will probably never happen, but in my mind its beautiful.

My quaint stone cottage sits near a beautiful lavender field. There is enough yard for Sadie and the dogs to be happy romping. In the mornings, Sadie and I will enjoy our breakfast (weather permitting) on our patio in the gorgeous Provencal sunshine. After washing up, we will ride our bikes into town to the open air market where we can buy our fresh produce, fresh breads, beautifully baked goodies, fresh flowers for our table and stock up on our wine selections. We can chat with our neighbors and enjoy small town French life. With our baskets full we ride home and prep for lunch and dinner before maybe taking a nap or doing some reading. Our afternoons are filled with enjoying the outside air, playing ball with the dogs, taking long walks through the seemingly endless fields of lavender or perhaps joining the neighbors on a mushroom hunt. Regardless of what the day entails, in my mind, it is all quaint and perfect and beautiful and utterly mine.

My Provencal life is calling to me. Perhaps I should get ready for quite a yard sale?

Stick a fork in me?

2011-06-21T11:32:00.003-04:00

I was sure it was never going to happen to me. How could it, after all? I love my little Bug beyond measure. Her infancy was a breeze. She was an easy and delightful baby. But, this....this, "toddlerhood"..... is like a punishment for something I did that was very, very, very bad. I'm exhausted. I'm snappy. I'm not even close to the Mommy I want to be. I am.....a Mommy burnout. I know, I know. It's terrible. I'm so embarrassed. But, the screaming, the throwing, the tantrums, the talking back, the whining, the demands, the touching, the grabbing, the pushing, the..... terribleness of age two.... it's so overwhelming. Where is my darling, curly-haired, angelic baby girl? It's like something has invaded her body and I feel the need to call an exorcist.

Do they have Mommycations? Is it okay to take a break from your child? I mean, I feel so guilty for wanting to do so. I mean, billions of Mommies have survived the terrible two's and come out without much permanent mental scaring, I'm told. But, I need a break! I'm gonna snap! Since my unfortunate unemployment, the stress of the Sadietude had only gotten worse. Now, we spend all day, every day together. And, I mean that pretty literally. Since she doesn't sleep through the night, she usually wakes up next to me in bed, no matter how hard I try, we spend every moment together until her nap time (yes, that includes bathroom time--apparently, I can't do that on my own--Sadie, the dogs and cats need to supervise), then I'm here when she wakes up and we're together until she goes to bed. And I go to bed roughly an hour or maybe two after that--I try to take time for me--tv, reading, computer...etc, but really I just want to sleep without a little body scooching me off the edge of the bed because she has to sleep on Mommy's pillow.

Just a few days? Please? Wouldn't you think I'd be a better Mommy? Or does it make me a worse Mommy? Stay at home Mommies do it all the time, right? All day every day...and a lot of the time with more than one kid! Maybe I'm just not made of tough enough Mommy material? I feel myself floundering...

Mama Kat's Writing Prompt 6.19.2011: What's your number one [writing] pet peeve? Develop a punishment for anyone caught in the act.

2011-06-19T15:38:00.004-04:00

Okay, Mama Kat. I've had to slightly modify your writing prompt. Because, really? Narrow my pet peeves down to one, single, biggest pet peeve? Yeah. That's a task of, like, epic proportion. Supercomputers at NASA or Microsoft or somewhere SUPER smart like that would be necessary to start to break down the complicatedness going on inside my brain to even begin to come close to narrowing down my pet peeves to just one biggest pet peeve. If you ask those in the know, they'd probably tell you that I hate everything, but that's SO not true! I'm just a ridiculously picky snob. ;)

However, dear Mama, it was so simple to pick my number one writing pet peeve that I just added one little word to your otherwise brilliant prompt. So, let me break it down for you.

IMPACT

and

AFFECT

Fellow human beings of the world-- these words are NOT interchangeable.

An impact is a collision of some kind. A force of two things coming together: BOOM! Impact.

An affect is the result of something, but not something that hits you .

For example: The overwhelming sadness of the move to Oregon had a significant impact on the boy's developing social skills.

NO! NO! NO! NO! Did the poor boy get physically hit by his move to Oregon and an invisible force went ninja on his future social skills? I'm going to say that's doubtful.

The overwhelming sadness of the move to Oregon had a significant affect on the boy's developing social skills. Ahhhh. Now, doesn't that feel better? It sounds better and, more importantly, you're using the RIGHT WORD!

Now let's get to punishment...I've had to really think about this...You get to be a crash test dummy. Be part of crashing a car right into a wall so you can tell me how the impact affected you. :)

www.mamakatslosinit.com

Is this thing still on?

2011-06-19T12:47:00.003-04:00

I know, I know. Where have I been. It seems so like me though, doesn't it? To just completely abandon a project and then come back over a year later and just expect it to be here, ready and waiting for me to resume. And, of course, I assume I remember how to resume it. That is the easy part of talking to yourself though. Can you forget how? Doesn't everyone have an internal monologue? (I'm told, yes everyone has one; no, not everyone is annoying enough to expect everyone to read it. Noted.)

So, here's the skinny. I now find my self among the 9.1% of Americans that currently count themselves as unemployed. (Okay, so that's a May 2011 number, but it's gotta be in that ballpark the new numbers don't come out until July 8, 2011.) Yes, friends, I have been "shit-canned". We talked about it, we freaked out about it, we panicked about it, we even joked about it...and then it actually happened! Who saw that coming?! I am, as one would expect in these difficult economic times, devastated. And then again, not. Did I even really like the job? No, I hadn't for a long time. Was I happy there? No, it was slowly crushing what was left of my withering soul. Then what the heck is wrong with me?? Well, honestly, most of it, is a little bit of pain at the rejection. Our program had only recently been taken over by a new director and regional manager. They don't know us. They don't know our students. They don't know how well we operate. But there's not enough money (but they don't have their budget allocation for the year yet...), there aren't enough students (okay, they can have that one, enrollment is down across the entire college system), but here's the kicker: my students don't show enough academic progress. Well, you know what that means, don't you? It can't possibly mean that I teach low level students who test in at grade school levels and have a myriad of learning disabilities, not to mention their sporadic attendance and, literally, mental health problems. It means I'm not a very good teacher. Why, why, oh why, did they have to go there? Could they not have left it at attendance and budgetary issues and not added that extra kick in the teeth by alluding to the fact that it's my fault my students can't make progress. Like I'm somehow sucking the knowledge out of them. Ouch, ladies. Very ouch.

So this is where I've been. At least for almost the past week anyway. Throwing a pity party. Party of One. For those of you who know me very well, you know I am like the best of pity party hostesses. I am Queen of pity party planners. Seriously, take notes. So, of course, any weight loss I had previously accomplished? Yeah, kissed that goodbye. Doughnuts. I needed doughnuts. Glazed and raspberry filled doughnuts. I bought "some" for me. (Well, leave it as "some" so I can leave this blog post with some "self-respect"...) My mother-in-law even bought some for me. Powdered and raspberry filled. (See a pattern? Direct line to my heart? Raspberry filling.) Muffins. Fig Newton Thins. Magnum Ice Cream Bars in the Double Chocolate, Double Caramel and Almond flavors.... I could go on and on, but why? You get the general idea. Gluttonous. Gelatinous. Gross. Delicious adult beverages. I have no boundaries and as I think about it, I haven't done anything worth anything this week. Laundry? Yes, but that's like a HAD to be done. Sweeping? Yes, but that's because I don't want to be buried alive under pet hair. I don't want people to think I hoard cat fur. I mean, I love it, but more ON the cat. I slept whenever possible. If you called/ texted/emailed and didn't get an answer, that's probably why. I can only assume this indulgent, disgusting behaviour will continue at the detriment of my mental health until something snaps inside, my clothes no longer fit, or I have to go to rehab.

I will overcome? (Yikes.)

Bon Voyage Dave and Shelly!!

2010-01-29T07:19:00.002-05:00

HAVE A WONDERFUL TRIP!!!

My family

2010-01-19T02:04:00.003-05:00

New Year's Resolutions

2010-01-19T01:53:00.004-05:00

I feel like I should have made one. But really, would I keep it? Probably not. So perhaps I should just decide to "work on some things." That's not the same as requiring I keep some arbitrary promise, right?

So.....

I will try to work on my ruminating thoughts so I can sleep better and not be so tired all the time.

I will try to eat better and exercise more.

I will try to be more positive about things.

I will try to conquer my fear of open water. (But let's be serious...this isn't going to happen!)

I will try to be the best mother/wife/superperson I can be and maybe not try so hard to be the best mother/wife/superperson ever.

I will try to not let soul-crushing people have such a huge influence in my life.

I will do my best to keep the Sabbath and welcome her every Friday night by attending service or lighting candles at home. I shouldn't allow more trivial things to come between me and faith.

I will try to find another job. I will try not to get disappointed when I can't find one that is my dream job.

I will try to be less sullen when I have to compromise.

I will try to remember that the future is more important than a fabulous, full-filled vacation right now. (I'm having a hard time with this one...)

I will try to accept that the things that have happened, have happened and cannot be changed so I should spend less time worrying about them.

It's a good start.

Surprising fun facts about me!

2010-01-19T01:23:00.008-05:00

I can't sleep so allow me to share with you some things you might not know about me. Yes, oh yes, I am anal. (Though, that part you probably knew already.)

(1) My pasta noodles have to boil for exactly 10 minutes. No more, no less.

(2) My hot chocolate must be made with one packet of Swiss Miss hot chocolate with marshmallows (Yes, it has to be Swiss Miss with marshmallows and not some other cocoa) and exactly one cup (with a measuring cup!) of boiling hot water followed by a 'sploosh' of creamer. (A sploosh is an amount somewhere between a splash and a dollop...)

(3) I love oranges, but hate anything orange flavored...especially orange pop and orange Starburst.

(4) I cannot understand people who can make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with both the peanut butter and the jelly on the same piece of bread and then place the dry piece of bread on top of them. You put peanut butter on one piece and jelly on the other piece and then put them together.

(5) I like instant oatmeal, but not regular oatmeal. It's the sugar.

(6) I passionately hate Skittles.

(7) I am allergic to apple juice, but not apples.

(8) I will not touch a public door handle or railing. I use my sleeve to cover my hand. This becomes problematic in the summer.

(9) I sometimes talk at the movies. But it's quiet!

(10) I did a study abroad in South America 11 years ago and speak virtually no Spanish now.

(11) I used to be a cross country runner and am now fat and lazy.

(12) My grooming routines are set in stone. If I don't complete them in the correct order, everything is off all day. Shower: Start the shower to warm up, get my toothbrush and get in the shower (yes, I brush my teeth in the shower), shampoo, body wash, face wash. Nightime: brush my teeth, floss, brush my teeth, mouthwash, wash my face, wash my face. (Yes, I realize I do both of these things twice.)

(13) Very often things are black and white and almost never allow for grey. (I'm working on it.)

(14) I hate peas, brussel sprouts, lima beans, bean sprouts and cooked carrots. Also, I feel guilty for eating meat.

And last but not least....

(15) I have many secret boyfriends. Among them are Colin Firth, Noah Wylie, Nathan Fillion (swoon!), and Stephen Colbert.

It's been a long December...

2010-01-05T16:49:00.003-05:00

"And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe, maybe this year will be better than the last. I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself to hold on to these moments as they pass...." -Counting Crows, Long December

My 2009 was an emotional roller coaster. In reflection, the most obvious source of overwhelming joy was the birth of my beautiful daughter Sadie Jane. It would be easy to say this was the best year of my life. She brought such sunshine to my existence and such happiness to our home. However, as wonderful and amazing and perfect as this year was in so many regards, it was also one of the saddest years of my life. Though some of you will not understand my grief, I lost two of my best friends and constant companions. My Westie Bogey (Bogart!) and my cat Bunker died eight days apart in July and shortly after came "the crash." Whether it was postpartum depression or the overwhelming grief, or a combination of both, something in me fell apart and I found myself drifting and unable to overcome myself to save myself.

Now, at the beginning of 2010 (the year I turn thirty--ugh) I find myself cautiously optomistic about the future. I can't remember a year in recent memory that I have been able to say that. I feel like Sadie has had a positive effect on my outlook on life. I am looking forward to watching her grow up and discover things. I have wonderful, amazingly supportive friends. I have an incredible network of mommies that help me to realize I'm not doing everything wrong and it's likely my baby will grow up to be totally normal and not a serial killer. I have a job I may not love and a house that drives me mad, but it's a lot more than other people have and I am grateful. I have a husband I love more than I can describe and appreciate more than I could ever convey and I am truly blessed. I have faith there is something I will do in this life that will make a difference. Am I where I planned to be at this point in my life? No. But my path has not reached it's end.

It is safe to say that much of my life has a song. For whatever reason, this song has always had such a significant meaning to me and come the end of the year, every year, I think of it and realize that, regardless of how emotionally draining or tumultuous the year has been there's always a chance next year will be better. Who knew I would turn out to be a closet optimist?

Many wishes for a happy, healthy and blessed 2010.

Writing Prompt 10.8.2009: Summer

2009-10-08T14:50:00.011-04:00

Writing Prompt 10.8.2009 from Mama Kat!

http://www.mamakatslsoinit.com

2.) Find your one very favorite picture of Summer and write a poem about it:

Overwhelming love

tiny footprints on my heart

a blissful, happy summer

Who would have thought two

tiny, perfect feet would

bind,

weave,

intertwine,

knit,

us into a family...

***UPDATE***

Thanks to MamaKat! Brought to you by Picnik!

Now I want to print it, frame it and put it in Sadie's room!

Our first trip to the beach as a family!

(Sadie age:3 months)

My happy place

2009-10-06T03:58:00.004-04:00

There is nothing better.....

Let it Ride

2009-10-06T03:45:00.008-04:00

LET IT RIDE!

http://www.joelambjr.com/rental/house.html?ID=45&Avail=&Stay=

OBX me please!

Hopefully our rental for June 2010...we'll find out this month if our desired week is available!! Woo hoo!!! Geeked to spend the week with Dave, Shelly, Kyle, Mike and Liz! :)

I can't sleep....

2009-10-06T03:20:00.002-04:00

....actually I was sleeping really, really well considering the headache I went to bed with. I eliminated all the points of light I could manage. I made sure the drapes were closed as tight as possible, I closed the bedroom door to the bathroom so the nightlight wouldn't bother me, I covered up my clock and the cable box lights. My head hurt so badly that the light from the baby monitor was even too bright for me. I also turned off my porch light. And if that wasn't enough, I also put my sleep mask on. Big drama tonight of all nights. Tonight my neighbor came over banging on the door, ranting about the dogs and the back porch light. I am a girl at home alone with the baby. The dogs went NUTS. SO much so that Annette had to yell at me through the glass because there was no way I could get the door open with them going wild. You see, I had made the mistake of leaving my mother's dog outside when I fell asleep. He apparently was barking. "Every night." This would be difficult seeing as the dog doesn't live here and, therefore, isn't here every night. Then it was the back porch light. Apparently, it shines in her room. Well. It's there for a reason. Security. It's in my best interest to leave it on. The shed is in the back filled with all sorts of goodies that the people in town stealing from sheds (including the people who live across the street) would just love to have. When my dogs are inside, it's my only line of defense.

I was a good (bewildered looking) girl. I was quiet. I apologized and said I was sorry, I hadn't heard the dog barking. I had managed, for once in a long while, a deep sleep. No ruminating thoughts of which there are plenty. Just praying I could get to sleep while concentrating on the pounding in my head. The pounding on my head turned into pounding on my doors. I, honestly, had no idea what to do. Do I go to the door? All I have is a phone. Do I dial 911 first? Did I miss a call and its someone trying to get in touch with me about Mom, in-laws, Grandma, Nana...etc. Who the heck is at my door at 1am?!?

Did I flip out when her dog ate my moderately expensive shoes that had been on MY porch because of their dampness from the rain? No. When I consistently had to put her dog back in her yard or leave her in mine when she got out? No. When I pick up trash and soda cans and beer cans from the adjoining yard? No. I chalked it up to her being in her 30's and still wanting to live a college existence. I was a neighborly neighbor.

Why not call? She has our number. Waking me up is waking me up, why not do it that way. Why come here in the middle of the night? Why? Why scare a woman you know is home alone with a baby? Why yell at me in the middle of the night? Why not act like an adult and work it out with me rationally? Why act as though all these things were done simply to upset you and your schedule.

Now I am so upset I can't sleep. It's 3:30 in the morning and I am so anxious that I am awake that I'm not sure if I am upset about the situation, upset that I just stood there and didn't say anything or anxious about being anxious. But that's the only way to describe it is anxious. Like the ruminating thoughts and the stress of the day and our current situation in life just came flying back all at once and now I just can't sleep. At all. I am so upset. Why am I letting this bother me? It's nothing. Go to sleep Sam. Seriously. Right now. I am willing myself to sleep. Now. Now. Now.

It didn't work. What the hell is wrong with me?

Angry people....

2009-09-21T10:32:00.001-04:00

.....SUCK!

GGGRRRR...birthday shopping!

2009-09-17T13:56:00.003-04:00

When did shopping become so hard for me? Shopping! I have a black belt in shopping! I am the Queen of handbags! The Empress of shoes! And here I am...clueless. (You think I'd be used to that feeling!) I'm so lost....

Lost at Liberty: An "I can't find my way out of a paper bag" Adventure

2009-09-08T09:51:00.008-04:00

Setting: Liberty University Campus, Lynchburg, VA

Day: Thursday September 3, 2009

Time: 3:30-ish P.M.

Players: Samantha, Sadie, Kizmet and Kaiser

Stage Directions: Samantha looks hopelessly lost. Sadie knaws on a stuffed giraffee (Melman) without a care in the world while Kaiser and Kizmet are thrilled with the foot traffic around the Trooper.

Ah, yes. I remember this from my time at William and Mary. Random projectiles in traffic. More commonly known as "people," these objects interject themselves into traffic at random intervals as though they will have any chance at standing up against a 2000 pound object moving at speeds upwards of 5 or 10 miles per hour. Those are great leaps of faith...but that's where I am. Faith U. Jerry Fallwell's University. One of the most devout places on the planet. (The football team that was crushed by WVU this past weekend!) Liberty University "located in beautiful central Virginia, stays true to its mission of "Training Champions for Christ" by offering exceptional undergraduate and graduate programs in residential, online and blended learning formats." The irony wasn't lost on me. A Jew lost among a sea of devout Christians. I was by far the most obscene person on campus...except maybe for Kizmet and his show of licking his privates. That would definitely violate the code of conduct called the "Liberty Way."

If you want to read a REALLY good book, check out "The Unilikely Disciple: A Sinner's Semester at Liberty University" by Kevin Roose*

*My little brag: He's my "friend" on Goodreads!!!!!!!!

I really am the worst kind of snob...

2009-08-17T12:38:00.005-04:00

...Since Friday, I have been here. I have concluded, I don't belong here. I imagine, however, this is largely the mantra of everyone here. Who wants to be here? Away from their families. Away from friends. Secluded. Sequestered from the outside world. Some are sicker than others. I am the least sick of all. Maybe. I'm sure everyone else feels that way too. This is a world where everyone is sick and no one is sick. How funny. The idea of recuperation is somewhat of a joke. All of us here in limbo. Not sick, but not well. No privacy. A shell and shadow of life before.

What will I take away from this? A small distrust of doctors. Sad, but true. I put myself wholly into someone else's hands and this is what I've come away with. Three days in bed and no discernible 'recovery.' I never do that and perhaps this is why. Closeness does not come easily. Perhaps this is why. I can do it on my own and this is why.

They serve pudding with lunch and have a drawer with an endless supply of graham crackers. Maybe its not so bad after all.

MamaKat's Writing Prompt 8.12.09

2009-08-14T08:37:00.003-04:00

3.) Describe one of your 'G-d Moments'.

It's hard to describe just one moment in particular. G-d and I have often travelled a bumpy road. I have the extremely bad habit of needing a scapegoat when things go poorly in my life and G-d is there. He is omnipresent and loving and all powerful. How can he allow such pain and unhappiness in the world? In my life?

I went to Israel in January of 2007. I was excited about the trip and while it was a religious trip, I think, at the time, I was more excited about being able to travel. I love to travel. I boarded the flight and squeezed into the cattle car seating in coach. I love to fly, but something about the flight just felt different. As we were boarding there were huge celebrations taking place as a large group of people were making Aliyah. They were making the giant leap of faith of moving to Israel---a land of uncertainty--from the relatively safe confine of the United States. I was in awe of them. At the time, I thought there was no way I could make that sort of leap. As it was, I had parents and friends and family worried sick I was even traveling to Israel as a tourist. It had only been six tense months since the ceasefire with Lebanon and I would spend part of my trip traveling in the Golan Heights on the boarder with Lebanon and Syria....not Israel's greatest friends.

As we made our way across the Atlantic, I found myself too excited to sleep. Israel. The Promised Land. The Holy Land. I secretly prayed with the men that gathered at the rear of the airplane as the sun set. (They were Orthodox Jews and men and women do not pray together...) I prayed for a safe trip. I prayed for my family. I prayed for the future of Israel. I prayed for a safe landing.

The beautiful thing about Israel is that G-d is almost palpable. I have never been to a place where just being makes me feel so close to G-d. It is the most amazing feeling. It is consuming. For someone who's relationship with G-d has always been a little dramatic, I was so thankful and so in awe. The feeling is indescribable.

While I was in Israel, I visited the Kotel. (The Western Wall, The Wailing Wall) Tradition is to place a prayer on a piece of paper and place in the cracks of the Wall. Inexplicably, as I had never even considered a family a possibility, I prayed for John and I to have a family and I placed my prayer in the wall. The feeling of confusion as to why I would do that stayed with me well after the trip.

I love my relationship with G-d, despite its ups and downs. July 2, 2008. The day that changed my life forever. I found out I was pregnant with Sadie. She is my G-d moment every day. She is amazing and prefect and wonderful. When I look at her, for a brief moment I am back at the Kotel praying for her presence in my life. I thank G-d for her.

My G-d moment is a series of beautiful moments. Whenever John embraces me. Whenever Sadie smiles. I am in awe of how incredibly lucky I am.

To boldly go where we've never gone before....

2009-08-10T16:57:00.013-04:00

....CAMPING *SOLO* in our new (to us!) camper! :)

Friday July 31, 2009: In spite of myself I woke up fairly early (for me on a Friday) and was out the door with John and Sadie by 9am to go with John to get a haircut. As it turned out I was absolutely exhausted and had Jacqueline also wash my hair as a treat for me (it's my favorite part!) and a little pick-me-up as I anticipated a long day. After our little hair adventure, we made a stop at an electrical supply store (for John's work) and continued on to stock up on provisions for the weekend camping trip. The shopping was surprisingly difficult. This was the first time John and I were camping on our own....and we were camper camping to boot! We piled in all the necessities: chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows....and we got some food too and then headed home to pack everything up....which I am determined to get better at...I packed everything but the kitchen sink! Did I really need 6 books for a two night trip? Evidently not. How many pairs of underwear did I think I would be needing?!? I could have outfitted the entire forest. Needless to say, as much as came back dirty came back clean...and then some!

We arrived at Occoneechee State Park in Clarksville, VA around 2:30pm or so. We hadn't made a reservation because we wanted to make SURE we would be able to go, but we had been keeping an eye on them throughout the week and were fairly confident we wouldn't have a problem getting a site with electric and water hookups. Not a problem, we chose site C7. Nice and private and woodsy. Problem? FIVE DOLLARS PER PET PER NIGHT! HA! No more Occoneechee State Park for us!

Then the rain poured. And poured. And poured. Now, ordinarily, this wouldn't be a problem. We had managed to get nearly everything set up. The awning was out, the windows were closed and the A/C was on. We had a primo site almost at the top of the hill. What could I possibly find to bitch about, you ask? Our primo, hilltop site? Apparently prone to flooding. Awesome. What can we do? Nothing. We hunkered down inside and enjoyed our first meal in the camper. HOT DOGS! The problem with cooking in the camper? No cooking utensils. Of any kind. And a funny thing about plastic utensils? They melt. Quickly. We served our plastic laced hot dogs with cold salads from the Walmart deli. John had picked up a particularly yummy Broccoli Salad which was discovered on Saturday night to have bacon in it. Awesome. Oh well.

After our dinner (still raining!), we watched Hancock on my computer DVD player. (Not exactly roughing it are we?!?) Then to bed early. Even Sadie was exhausted from the day. Kaiser and Kizmet waited patiently for us to go to sleep and then hopped up on the sofa. So much for no pets on the furniture without it being covered. :)

My unlit Shabbos candles...rain, rain, rain...

Saturday August 1, 2009: A new day, a new month. Up and around at a respectable hour. No lounging in bed for us! Let's have some breakfa--SHIT. I didn't pack anything for breakfast. Seriously. The most important meal of the day and I just blow it off. You know why? I've never been camping when someone else wasn't going to be making breakfast. I can't believe it. So what do the Wills's do when the going gets tough? The tough go to Hardees for breakfast biscuits! YUM! John had a bacon, egg and cheese biscuit with homefries and a GIANT coffee with like 16 sugars and creams in it and I had a chicken biscuit with orange juice. The dogs ate my homefries. It's camping. They should be allowed a vacation too!

Off to Food Lion to pick up things I forgot. Things such as charcoal, lighter fluid, cooking spray, breakfast foods, coffee, sugar and hamburger buns. You know. Camping essentials. Duh. $60 later (and still without any cooking utensils--though I wouldn't discover this until I go to make breakfast in the morning...) we're headed back to the gas station to get some gas and a bag of ice for the drink cooler. I run in to get the ice and come back out with three different newspapers. Ice? Yeah, back inside to get the ice. At least John got the gas.

The remainder of the day was spent at leisure. I did some reading and some sleeping. Sadie did some sleeping and some playing and John did some picture taking, some fire poking and some campery-type things. It was fantastic. I turned off my cell phone and turned up the A/C. The problem we did run across in the camper is that I like my air conditioning set somewhere between "walk-in-freezer" and "Arctic." When it's at least 90 degrees outside, this type of temperature swing leaves electronics such as iPods, computers, GPS, and cameras with oodles of potentially damaging condensation. OoPs.

What a cute little face!!!

See? Condensation. Boo.

Dinner were steaks and baked potatoes cooked over charcoal. Sadie had her first bites of potatoes. Not wild about them, but I imagine they were pretty bland without butter, salt and sour cream. I don't blame her one bit for spitting them out. Dessert was S'MORES! That's reason enough to camp. :)

Reading (I was reading The Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie. John was reading the Craftsman tool catalog) and listening to the BBC Proms on the XM radio before bedtime. A great, relaxing day.

Sunday August 2, 2009: Rain, rain go away. BREAKFAST!!! The plan was eggs for John and I and sausage for John. Again, do you know what happens when all you have is plastic flatware with with too cook over a hot gas stove? Melted plastic. Good times. Yummy plastic laced scrambled eggs and some soggy sausage. Fantastic Samantha. Well done. The only thing done well was the coffee in the French Press. At least John go to enjoy his coffee!

In perfect Wills camping tradition, it rained on pack-up day. No biggie. Margaritaville on the XM, shove everything into the camper and worry about it when it dries up in a few days. The beauty of camper camping and being not too far from home! The problem with that is that I actually LIKE packing things away properly. I like organization. I dislike chaos and chaos is what the packing up process feels like to me. Ugh. Anyway, I got part way through it and then, as the rain got stronger, things got shoved in and I was to sort it out later. I disliked this exceedingly.

I was exceptionally sad to see the weekend end. :( I wasn't ready to go back to work and home and doctors and medicine and all that jazz. Spent the rest of the evening unpacking and doing laundry and then repacking it in the camper. Sheets, towels, blankets, kitchen mitts....all put away somewhat properly. Ah. I can sleep now. Early to bed. Mundane end to a relaxing weekend, but we were thankful for the weekend all the same and are ready to go again soon. With breakfast AND camping utensils packed and ready to be deployed!!!!!

MamaKat's Writing Prompt 8.6.2009 Updated

2009-08-06T10:30:00.010-04:00

*1.) What's ailing you? Diagnose yourself with a syndrome.*

Obsessive WebMD Symptom Syndrome.

http://www.webmd.com/

I think there is something you should know. I have had virtually every disease known to man. Most of them are fatal. I know. You will miss me. I will miss you too. In fact, I'd bet I'd be able to diagnose myself with Obsessive WebMD Symptom Syndrome using WebMD. Their symptom checker has allowed me to prepare for my impending death several times. Runny nose, watery eyes, swollen lymphnodes? The common cold? Certainly not! Brain cancer. Pain in my shoulder, numbness in my hand? Perhaps a pinched nerve? Nope! I've had a stroke. Headache, nausea, light sensitivity? A migraine perhaps?? Alas, no. It's jock itch. How can I possibly get through my day knowing my promising life is coming to an abrupt and painful end?

In the end, it always turns out that my brain cancer miraculously cures itself after a week a rest and fluids. My stroke? Well, thankfully just a pop of my shoulder and the numbness disappears!! And, thank heavens, my jock itch clears up with just a couple doses of Immitrex. The aura is gone and my vomiting comes to an end.

I just can't help myself.

Allow me a moments bitchiness, if you please...

2009-07-22T23:03:00.005-04:00

I am puffy and swollen and bloated and irritated and to the skinny bitch on tv who is touting the wonders of being able to go shopping when you are skinny and beautiful and fabulous I'd like to convey a resounding GO TO HELL.

Ah. See? Better already.

I know, I know...

2009-07-21T01:42:00.005-04:00

....I really do have the cutest baby EVER!

Today isn't that day.

2009-07-21T00:53:00.005-04:00

What I wouldn't give to be able to turn my brain off for just a few hours...I'd settle for long enough to get to sleep.

It would be safe to say, I've had a lot on my plate the last few weeks. Months even. Possibly a year. Possibly more. But, for the moment, we'll stick to the recent past. Two weeks ago today (or technically, yesterday, at this point, but I don't count it a day until one goes to sleep and wakes up again...) my dog Bogey died. I keep find little bits of our life together everywhere I look. His sweatshirt blanket. His hair brush. His tattered security squirrel. His little green tennis balls. I can't even blow dry my hair without thinking of him, as he always demanded a blow dry as well...even when he wasn't wet. Memories on the boat. Memories camping. Memories going to Lowes and to Grandma's house. Everywhere memories, memories, memories. One day, they won't hurt as much. One day I will be able to recall them as beautifully wonderful times we spent together and not cry. One day. But not now. Now, they greet me painfully when I close my eyes. When I stretch out in bed unencumbered. When I realize I don't have to pick up those extras at the market. I don't have to rush home to let him out to potty or make sure he has his medicine before the thunderstorms hit. There aren't anymore Thursday night baths for Bogey. No more memories to make with Bogey.

As if all that wasn't enough, one week ago tomorrow (that's Tuesday for those keeping track) my cat Bunker died. My mother adopted Bunker for me when I was fifteen. I had just come to live with her and my stepfather and was having a lot of problems. Bunker became my everything. He was there when I woke up and we snuggled when I went to bed. He ate off my plate (noodles were a favorite). He used my shower time as a sauna. He used my bed as his own personal grooming station. He used my belly to 'mix.' I felt so incredibly, incredibly loved. And the love I feel for him is overwhelming. Yesterday I swept up the fur clumps. The tumbleweed reminders of my Noodle. I washed his favorite napping rug. The fur clumps will be ongoing. He was a very fluffy, furry cat and this house has swallowed its fair share of Bunker fur. His absence has been so painful. One day. One day I can remember all those wonderful, devoted years without pain. Today isn't that day.

I won't even go into job stability and my lack thereof at the moment. I am so incredibly stressed over this job. This ridiculous job. I can't even find the words. All I can say is, for now, I still have one. Thank you Judy.

Going back a little further...March 4, 2009. My life changed forever. Until then the baby growing inside me had been in the abstract. Present, but not. My body was doing all the work. I got to be a spectator (albeit a very abused one!). I got to watch the baby grow from the outside. A truly fascinating process. Amazing. Miraculous. Scientific. Then at 8:22am that Wednesday morning, Dr. Evers laid my beautiful baby girl on my chest as she drew her first breaths. My beautiful Sadie Jane. Amazing. Miraculous. (Exhausting!) I had no idea a person could fall in love so quickly. For as disconnected as I was from her while she was growing inside of me, I fell in love in a moment and my life was changed forever. I haven't figured out what kind of mother I will turn out to be, but I know that my darling baby girl will never, ever doubt my absolute love for her.

Breathe. G-d has chosen this for me.

Here's the deal with G-d at this particular moment in time. I'm pissed. I'm not sure if you're really supposed to be pissed at G-d, but I totally am. I want Bogey back. I want Bunker back. I want a good job. I want the people of this town to catch a damn break. I want Sadie to have an amazingly wonderful, full life. I want to end world hunger and create world peace. Is that too damn much to ask for? What have I done to displease Him? PLEASE tell me. I have gotten to the point where I've said goodbye to two of my most beloved family members and I cannot take it anymore. Am I supposed to be learning something? Is this supposed to teach me to love them while they are here and give them what I can and then say goodbye? How do you do that gracefully? How do you do that without falling apart? Here's what I've learned so far: I am afraid to go to sleep. What if I lose Sadie next? Or John? What if something happens and there's something I can do about it or worse, I can't. I can't sleep. I want to do nothing but snuggle Sadie into bed with me, but I'm afraid I might hurt her so I put her in her crib, but I'm always afraid she'll be cold, but I'm afraid to put her in a blanket....

My therapist says these are "ruminating thoughts" and I need to put them out of my mind when I try to go to sleep. Right now, I can't STOP THINKING. About everything. About Bogey and Bunker and Tracy (and screwing that up) and Sadie and John and the rest of my furry family and my Mom and ..... I just can't stop thinking. I am so very, very tired and I would give anything (with a few exceptions) to just be able to flip a switch and turn my brain off for a few peaceful, dreamless hours of sleep.

I love my daughter. I love my pets. I love my husband. I love my G-d. But, I hurt so very, very much and I am so very, very angry. One day I won't be. Today isn't that day.

The Grocery Store Blues

2009-07-09T17:02:00.007-04:00

I've never been fond of the grocery store. At least not the Walmart grocery store. I mean, I can totally get into shopping at Whole Foods or The Fresh Market or Trader Joe's (but like I have that kind of money), but Walmart is just....Walmart. Anyway, today I was actually sad. It was my first trip to the market where I didn't have to buy supplies to make Bogey's food. No ground turkey, no eggs, no rice, no white bread. I nearly cried in the meat department. I imagine people often get that feeling whilst shopping at Walmart...that feeling of loss and depression, but I feel mine was totally justified. I was not merely beaten down by an evil grocery and dry goods empire. I was beaten down by my grocery list and its missing items. It will get easier. I know this, but right now easier seems improbable. Happy seems impossible.

I miss my darling Bogey. My Bogart McWestie. My Boogers McFlufferDoodle. (John's Testies McDuff...) It hurts so much. It's hard to imagine ever getting over it.

One day at a time, right? One day it will be okay. Until then, I will continue to sob over my grocery list.

I've lost one of my best friends and my heart is broken.

2009-07-07T16:55:00.011-04:00

Yesterday afternoon John and I said goodbye to Bogey, our spunky, stubborn and very much loved Westie. Last June he was diagnosed as being in kidney failure and after days in the hospital on IV fluids and the prescription of a special diet, John and I were optimistic that we would be able to hold onto our darling little man for a little while longer. Bogey, being Bogey, didn't want to eat the prescription food, of course and I set out to cook a reduced protein diet for him several times a week. Ground turkey, hard-boiled eggs, crumbled up white bread, rice and added calcium carbonate. A dog's dream. But it wasn't enough and he began his downhill descent. After bouncing back better than anyone had anticipated from his major back surgery (the removal of two bulging disks out of his spine), its his kidneys that we couldn't save.

I cannot properly convey the grief I am feeling. I am heartbroken. I love him so much and I miss him SO much. I can't even convey it in words. I know that my life is the better for having him in it and I know he got more years than he would have with a lot of other pet owners, but they weren't enough for me. We took him everywhere with us. Everywhere he could go, he went. Our little Bogey. (Or, lovingly, my Boogers McFlufferDoodle) Our house feels emptier and while I know he is no longer in pain and can rest, I am angry and I feel as though it just wasn't enough. I want him back. I WANT HIM BACK. NOW.

I am trying so hard to be strong. To be fair to my other pets and to Sadie and be all there for them, but all I want to do is curl up under the covers and cry until I can't cry anymore and even then it wouldn't be enough. He's not there when I get home from work or when I go to bed at night. I was always amazed at how much space such a little dog could take up, but I miss it terribly. While I love my pets, I have never had a dog with SO much personality and such a stubbornness. He was the best "bad dog" ever! And he's everywhere in so many memories that I'm afraid to forget, yet am wishing away because they hurt so much.

I just love him so much and miss him SO much and I know John loves and misses his little buddy too... there will never be another Bogey. I miss him SO VERY, VERY MUCH. I can't stand this. I need him back. In the end, he just wasn't our Bogey anymore. He was getting lost in the backyard and in the house. He didn't give kisses even when I tried to buy them by scratching his back and his day became sleep, potty and eating. No more tennis ball. No more jump spins. No more Bogey. I know it was the right thing to do, but I am so upset. I miss him so much. His cute little face and the adorable little "give it to me now" howl he had. His snuggles on the sofa and in bed. His little face out the car window, his little muddy everything because he was so low to the ground. His happiness in his little red jacket. I miss him and it hurts so very much.

Thank you for listening.

Happy BFPiversary to me!

2009-07-02T00:18:00.005-04:00

It's hard to believe, but one year ago today (July 2, 2008) I discovered that the extreme exhaustion, the waves of nausea and the ridiculous water retention was not, in fact, a result of the stresses of thesis presentation and grad school graduation, but was little Sadie making her presence known with a Big Fat Positive (BFP) on a digital pregnancy test....all four of them. (I like to be sure....)

Despite the nervousness, the trepidation, and the outright fear of becoming a mother, I love every single minute of being Sadie's mother. She is my world and the brightest star in my sky. I think this is the most amazing this I have ever done and will ever be apart of. I can be having the worst day. I can be so exhausted I could fall over and so annoyed I could scream, but one look at Sadie's beautiful smile and hearing the delightful sound of her gorgeous laugh and I know that every single moment of exhaustion and irritation was worth it just to live in that moment with Sadie.

I never thought I was "Mom material." I just wasn't maternal. I love my dogs and cats with everything I have and I didn't think I could ever share that with a baby. I was so wrong. I was born to be Sadie's Mommy. I love watching her learn. I love watching her discover new things and squeal with delight at the sight of her Daddy. Even when I think about labor I realize, every single moment of pain, every contraction, every moment I didn't think I could do it, I am thankful for because it resulted in Sadie Jane in my world. She is perfect with her little fingers and little toes and her beautiful smile and her twinkling laugh. I have never been so thankful to have been proven so very, very wrong. I have never loved anything like I love my Sadie. As much as I want to freeze her as a baby, I am going to enjoy watching her continue to grow and learn and try new things. I have never been happier. Ever. Ever.

My Recurring Nightmare...analysis anyone?

2009-06-28T11:23:00.003-04:00

Okay....so I have been having this dream recurrently for many, many months...if not longer.

It's finals time. I'm assuming undergrad, but it could have been grad school...in the end, that doesn't really matter. It's a math class. Which one? Doesn't matter. I didn't like any of them! So, it's the final coming up and I go in to take it, but am realizing there is no way I can pass the class because it's the first time I have been to class except for the first one. So, I haven't taken any of the interim exams or projects or homework...etc. And I have to pass the class to graduate and I'm not going to pass because I haven't done any of the work. And there's this huge panic. Then I wake up.

I'm, honestly, tired of having this dream! What the heck! Maybe I won't have it anymore now that I've written it down!!

Napping: The Final Frontier

2009-06-23T13:51:00.002-04:00

Anyone know how to get a 3 1/2 month old baby to take a nap on a regular schedule???? I sure don't.

Writer's Workshop Writing Prompt: Grab your current read.

2009-06-22T17:23:00.005-04:00

Wendesday's Writing Prompt from Mama Kat's Losin' It! (http://mamakatslosinit.blogspot.com/)

Grab your current read. Let the book fall open to a random page and share two “teaser” sentences from that page, somewhere between lines 7 and 12.

Yes, I chose this one because the other choices were heavy and I don't have the energy to cry right now. I am cheating slightly because as it turns out there are more than two sentences that grab me on this page. How oddly appropriate that I randomly fell upon it, however.

"I would not have done anything differently. All of the moments in my life, everyone I have met, every trip I have taken, every success I have enjoyed, every blunder I have made, every loss I have endured has been just right. I'm not saying they were all good or that they happened for a reason--I don't buy into that brand of pap fatalism--but they have been right. They have been....okay. As far as revelations go, it's pretty lame, I know. Okay is not bliss, or even happiness. Okay is not the basis for a new religion or self-help movement. Okay won't get me on Oprah. But okay is a start, and for that I am grateful." --The Geography of Bliss: One Grump's Search for the Happiest Places in the World. by Eric Weiner

So, it's more than two sentences, but it's an awesome paragraph and I thought I'd share.

Things this illness could be, but probably isn't...

2009-06-22T16:45:00.005-04:00

M'kay. I've been sick for nearly a week now. So, instead of going to the doctor's office (where I would have to take my three month old daughter with me....to the germ infested waiting room...though I would obtain professional help), I went to the WebMD "symptom checker." Apparently, the illness could be very, very serious. I won't go through everything on the very extensive list, but I will hit the highlights. Just so we know what information we're operating with the symptoms are: headache, fever, nasal drainage and congestion and earache.

(1) Aseptic Meningitis: Meningitis is a potentially life-threatening infection of the meninges—the tough layer of tissue that surrounds the brain and the spinal cord. If not treated, meningitis can lead to brain swelling and cause further disability, including coma and even death.

*'Cuz its just not an illness unless it can cause coma and even death.

(2) Cryptococcosis: Cryptococcosis is caused by a fungus known as Cryptococcosis neoformans. The infection may be spread to humans through contact with pigeon droppings or unwashed raw fruit. Contact with an infected individual may also spread the infection.

*I just knew those pigeons would prove to be trouble. I won't touch a public water fountain, but I will willingly roll in pigeon crap. Just a bundle of contradictions, I am...

(3) A Foreign Body in my nose: The nose is a surprisingly deep space that extends directly back into your face. A relatively small portion of the nasal cavity is visible by looking into the tip of the nose. In the back of the nose, the space turns downward and connects to the back of the mouth.
Only the imagination limits the objects and circumstances that result in things getting stuck inside the nose. Common objects found in noses include food material, tissue paper, beads, toys, and rocks. Most cases of foreign bodies in the nose and nasal cavity are not serious and occur in toddlers and children from 1-8 years. Because children develop the ability to pick up objects at about the age of 9 months, this problem is much less common before then. An object that is simply stuck in the nose and not causing other symptoms can usually wait until morning or the following day for removal. The object does, however, have to be completely removed quickly and without discomfort and danger.

*I'm going to go out on a limb and say I didn't stick anything (nor had anything stuck) up my nose. I think I would have remembered...but then again....

(4) Myopia (nearsightedness): Nearsightedness (myopia) is a common cause of blurred vision. If you are nearsighted, objects in the distance appear blurry and out of focus. You might squint or frown when trying to see distant objects clearly.

*As I have been wearing glasses for this very condition since I was 11 years old, I'm going to say this is probably not the underlying cause of my present distress.

(5) Sunburn: too much sun or sun-equivalent exposure. Although seldom fatal, sunburn can be disabling and cause quite a bit of discomfort.

*Though I did visit the beach last weekend and am quite fond of the sun, unless its an invisible sunburn that causes nasal congestion, drainage down the back of my throat, headache and a fever, I'm going to rule this one out.

Though I find WebMd very useful, in this particular case I am going to go with my gut and guess its just a sinusy problem of some sort (which was also on the WebMD list of possibilities) and it will all work out without resulting in coma or death, but in case it does, I love you all. Lots.

Thank you WebMD.

Honest Scrap Award from Nori!

2009-06-17T17:41:00.006-04:00

Okay, I'm new to this blogging thing, but apparently, we get awards from other people! SWEET! I never get awards for anything, though I certainly qualify for "Messiest eater when wearing light colors," "Most Sweets Addicted" and "Needs the most sleep of anyone ever born."

So I hear that I'm supposed to list 10 things about myself that are true, but that not many people know about and then tag five other bloggers.

1. I am allergic to apple juice, but not apples. Odd, eh?

2. I need a ridiculous amount of sleep in order to function even remotely well. At least 10hrs. And I haven't gotten that since before Sadie was born!

3. I met my husband John while I was still in high school. I knew I was going to marry him the day I met him. He took some convincing!

4. I never had a pet as a child that my parents didn't end up giving away. :(

5. I have no desire to have Lasix surgery (eventhough my Mom has been pushing) because I don't like how I look without glasses. Even though I hate wearing glasses.

6. I bullied John into naming Sadie. He was never a fan of the name and I can't imagine her as anything else.

7. I hate brussel sprouts. Passionately.

8. I was a vegetarian for a while. I would still be...but I live with carnivores.

9. I prayed for my house to get hit by Hurricane Isabelle so we could get new windows. It hit, but didn't do any real damage.

10. I spent my summer after high school graduation in South America...and hardly speak any Spanish anymore. :(

Bonus 11. I am deathly afraid of open water of any kind. Yet I love to cruise, love to swim and love to snorkel. (But it takes me FOREVER to get into the water.)

Now for the Tag:

http://www.theseoulsurvivors.blogspot.com/

http://www.wojo-shangrila-restoringparadise.blogspot.com/

http://www.marsden7.blogspot.com/

http://www.the1sttimearound.blogspot.com/

http://www.thesinclairfamily.blogspot.com

My two favorite people :)

2009-06-16T20:26:00.002-04:00

I love you both more than anything EVER. (Yes, John, even Bunker!)

*Writer's Workshop: Writing Prompt "Where would you like to be?"

2009-06-11T10:38:00.002-04:00

Mama Kat's Writing Prompt: Where would you like to be? (www.mamakatslosinit.blogspot.com)

Wow, are there so many ways to interpret this question.

Physically, I dream of being on a beach somewhere. Squishing my toes in the sand and listening to the water lap against the shore while snuggling with Sadie in a hammock slung between two palm trees. A Carribean beach, a South Pacific beach, a Hawaiian beach, it's all the same to me. Peace and tranquility and relaxation.

Financially, I'd like to be closer to black than red. :)

Professionally, and personally on some level, I'd like to be anywhere but here. I'm restless. I have always been. Never able to keep in one place for too long. It's not a gift. It's a curse. It means that I am constantly imagining that things might be better if they were some other way. Some other place. Some other space. Some other version of my life.

What's it all boil down to? Escape. It doesn't matter where I am, I'd like to be somewhere else. Someone else? Perhaps at times. I love being Sadie's Mommy and John's wife, but I hate other aspects of my life and who I am. Is that normal? Probably not, but have I ever claimed to be normal? I have no delusions.

Life. Love. The Pursuit of Happiness. That's where I'd like to be: Unconditionally loved and indescribably blissful. That's not too much to ask is it?!?

Headed to the Banks...

2009-06-09T10:18:00.004-04:00

In just 3 short days John, Sadie and I will be headed to the Outer Banks. We'll spend Friday evening and Saturday day enjoying the beaches and cuisine of Kitty Hawk and the fantastic company of our dear friends Dave and Shelly. (And Bob and Melanie...plus the assorted kids) I cannot wait to squish my toes in the sand....

I do so love the beach! :)

The visit.

2009-06-08T16:57:00.002-04:00

Long, exhausting weekend. Definitely tied for one of the least restful weekends since Sadie arrived home on the outside.

My Nana Jane came to visit and meet her namesake Sadie Jane. It was wonderful to see her and it was even more wonderful to see her with Sadie. Utter adoration. No one will ever be able to say Sadie is unloved.

Thursday: Pick Nana up from her 8pm flight in Raleigh. Drop her off and get her settled into the hotel. Home around 11pm. Exhausted.

Friday: Up "early" given the very late bedtime. Go to the hotel. Introduce Sadie to Nana. Chat for a bit before taking Nana to her 12 Noon AA meeting. Go home and shower. Got to pick Nana up at 1pm. Meet Lois at Cafe Peroni for a nice leisurely lunch. The food was somewhat disappointing. The soup was lukewarm, the hot sandwich was toasted, but not hot. The service was poor. Very slow, given we were one of only three tables with customers. The tea and desserts were fantastic. I had a cannoli. Love, love, love it. YUMMY! Then we went to Walmart to get Nana a sweatshirt. She didn't pack long sleeves. After searching and searching, she didn't find anything she liked. Lent her one of my "hoodies." Grocery shopping for our cookout Saturday evening. Home to put away groceries. Jane and Sadie took a 20 minute nap. Then to John and Lois's for dinner. Tuna cakes, macaroni and cheese and cinnamon applesauce. Lois was sick. Jane, John and I cooked. Cinnamon cake and caramel ice cream for dessert. Yum! Took Nana back to the hotel. Late to bed again.

Saturday: Nana took some time getting ready this morning so we did too. Laundry and things to do around the house. Sweep and mop the floor and prepare for cookout guests. Trip to Walmart for new foldable table for outside (our outdoor furniture didn't accomodate 8...) and outdoor table cloths, bug candles. Trip to Food Lion for produce. Pick up Nana and home for prep. Nana made cole slaw (2 bads of prepared cole slaw, one large can crushed pineapple, 1/2 cup claw dressing. Refrigerate and top with slivered or crushed nuts of any kind.). We prepped the condiment platter, got the tables set. Welcomed Lois and John, Alycia, Richard and Nicholas. Chatted while John grilled burgers and hot dogs. Ate like piggies. Lois brought macaroni salad and Alycia brought fruit salad. Dessert was cinnamon cake. (Yes, again.) Retire to the living room to chat, watch The Blemont, and play a few rounds of Catchphrase. Everyone departs, John takes Jane to the hotel and Sadie is asleep before he returns. In bed "early." I swear I pass out before the light is off.

Sunday: Nana calls for visitors. She's having some pool time. I go to pick her up...still pool time. The water is too cold for a swim for me, but she braves it for a little bit. I now brave a sunburn. Ouch. Gets showered and dressed. Not bashful at all. Pick up some last minute things for tonight's dinner then sprint home. I hadn't planned on being gone that long and left Sadie with John. He had lots to do. OoPs. Go to Bob and Luanne's so Jane can see their improvements since her last visit. Home to prep for dinner. Jane and Sadie take a little nap. Dinner is steak, potatoes, and corn on the cob all o nthe grill. We eat like piggies. Strawberry shortcake for dessert. Delicious strawberries. I added raspberries as well. Also, I bought some chocolate shells in addition to the regular. I really do prefer the regular although the chocolate was very, very good. An early night for Nana back at the hotel. Early morning tomorrow. Home to clean up the craziness and hop into bed. Watch a little HGTV and rock Sadie to sleep. Asleep before 11pm.

Monday: Up at 4:50am to take Nana to the airport in Raleigh. Nuts. One should not rise before the sun does. It's just not normal. Anyway, pick her up. Off to the airport. Arrive at the airport to check in. Run back to the Trooper to retrieve Nana's purse. Check in. Wait for the wheelchair. See Nana off through security. Leave the airport and head home. Chicken biscuit at Bojangles. Yum! Stop in Durham at Bridgestone/Firestone for a wheel balance and alignment. No space today. Appointment for Tuesday at 1pm. Sturggle to keep my eyes open as I finish the drive home. The exhaustion is setting in. My body aches, I'm nauseous. Home. Work at 4pm. Stop for necessities on my way home. Vaguely remember when I used to grocery shop only once a week and miss it terribly. Can't wait to collapse tonight and hope Sadie is ready too.

Nice visit, but glad there's no more company. So, so tired. Still lots of projects around the house to do, but they can wait a couple of days...at least.

Looking forward to Friday. Outer Banks for the evening/day :)

Seriously trying to behave...

2009-06-03T16:52:00.007-04:00

...I have the most overwhelming urge for a snuggle right now. I want to go over to Sadie's crib and pick her up and snuggle her into bed with me. I really, really, really, really wish we had a co-sleeper or a bassinet. That way she'd be right next to the bed instead of across the room in her crib! (John said no!)

What a far cry from before she was born and I thought she needed her own room right away (mostly I think I was afraid of feeling closed in...) ...now I don't even want her across the room! My Snuggle Love Bug!

G'night!

Being at peace with doneness...

2009-06-03T16:32:00.003-04:00

So, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. A LOT of thinking. I am so head over heels in LOVE with my little Sadie Bug. It brings to question, would I want more children? I can honestly say that I think I'm done. 99.9% of the time, I am completely at peace with this. I already miss that brand-new newborn stage. I know I will miss this baby stage. I am sure I will get the sweats from baby fever when Alycia and Missy add to their families (as they both want large families this is more than likely to happen sooner rather than later), but I really, really think Sadie is it for us.

For those of you who knew me Pre-Sadie know that I had serious apprehensions about becoming a mother and when Sadie announced she was coming, I sorta flipped out. I have never been SO HAPPY to have been proven wrong about babies and motherhood. I am loving EVERY SINGLE, SOLITARY MOMENT of life with Sadie. She is amazing. Watching her discover the world is such an overwhelmingly fantastic feeling and just one little smile makes me melt into a puddle of goo. That being said, I feel no overhwlming urge to give her a sibling. I love her with everything in my heart. John and I give everything we have and everything we are to her. Which is not to say that people with more than one child don't, but they're able and I just don't know if I would be.

I had a student remark to me that since my first child was a girl that I now "HAVE to give John a boy." Um. Apparently they don't know me so well. I don't HAVE to do a damn thing! LOL! And, seriously, HE made Sadie a girl so if he wanted a boy so badly he should have given better orders to his little soldiers! But it was the automatic assumption that I would be having more children that sort of surprised me. And when I say that we're done, everyone says, 'you say that now...' Well, why can't I say it now and have it be true?

Can I say honestly that I will never have another baby? No. But I am at peace with an only child. She'll have cousins-a-plenty to play with. Besides, you can't outdo perfection and she is PERFECT. :)

Top ten things I would do if I hit the lotto BIG!

2009-06-02T15:20:00.005-04:00

(1) Book a fabulous vacation for me, John, Sadie and our family and close friends. I love you guys. :) I'm thinking somewhere tropical and then at least a week at Disney World. :) My treat. :)

(2) Pay off parents/siblings debts.

(3) Pay off our debts! LOL!

(4) Buy the land next door and build a mega garage for John with a studio above it for his photography and framing.

(5) Buy John the car of his choice...whatever he wants. Really. Anything he wants.

(6) Have the backyard graded, landscaped and build Sadie the ultimate swing set/playhouse.

(7) Finish the trim colors on the house (if we can finally decide on one) and landscape. Hydrangeas galore.

(8) Can you say, SERIOUS KITCHEN?!? Hire Vern Yip (because I love him!!!) to design it. A La Cornue range, double ovens, huge apron sink, vault the ceiling, knock out the wall to the breakfast room (aka: clutter central) for an eat-in kitchen. Replace the doors to the outside. Island with a vegetable sink. Wine cooler (AKA soda cooler!). The works. :) Vern will make it amazing.

(9) Buy a vacation house. St Thomas or St. Maarten. Or a private island in the Bahamas.

(10) Buy John the boat of his dreams....as long as it has an underneath and is sea worthy.

And, of course, (11) invest wisely so I can buy oodles of land and open a no-kill animal shelter. :)

What would you do?

So much to do...

2009-06-02T14:17:00.003-04:00

Nana Jane is coming this weekend to meet Sadie. I'm excited and then again, not really. Jane and my mother are still not speaking....or rather, my Mom is not speaking to Jane. This makes me sad, but there's nothing I can do about it. Mom is being very adamant that we are not to see her. Okay. I'm not looking for a fight.

It's the clean up leading up to Nana's arrival that I'm not looking forward to. The house is...well....a distaster. Is it possible a bomb went off and I wasn't aware of it? Seriously? Have we always had this much stuff??? There's just...stuff...everywhere. The second thing I do when I win the lotto is build a garage for John (and storage for me). The first thing I do, of course, will be to book a fabulously long, lavish, tropical vacation for my family and close friends. Just because I love you guys...and I really need the vacation. :)

Well...off to swap the laundry. How do we create so much dirty clothes, towels and rugs? The critters don't help, but seriously....where did all this stuff come from???? It's seriously garage sale time. (Except people here don't have garage sales...they have yard sales....just like they don't have freeways, they have interstates...and they don't have pop, they have soda...and they don't have pecans, they have PEEcans....I could go on and on.) The worst thing is: THERE'S NO DIET VERNORS OR VERNORS OF ANY KIND. It's like hell on earth. :(

The planning has begun!!!

2009-06-01T19:34:00.001-04:00

Brit Bat planning in motion. Stay tuned for details! :)

Case of the Mondays...

2009-06-01T10:18:00.003-04:00

Uh. It's monday morning. This was probably one of the LEAST restful weekends we've had since Sadie came home. She's still sick, unfortunately and her waking moments are 'required' to be solely devoted to her. I get that. I want to be taken care of when I am not feeling well either. The problem was the only place she was comfortable was Mommy or Daddy's arms. Her swing, crib and pack n' play just wouldn't do. Her bouncy chair placated her for a short time, but ultimately she wanted us and nothing but. This means NOTHING got done this weekend. At least on my end of things. John got the lawn mowed and fertilized and some necessaries taken care of on the Trooper (mostly, making sure its able to tow the camper...the important stuff, you know...). John was feeling (and, frankly, looking) at bit drained so even he was moving slow.

Friday we went to Chapel Hill for a post-partum visit with my OB. It's about 5 weeks later than most post-partum visits, but it's hard to get a pp visit on a Friday AND with my OB. Everything's fine. The IUD is going in on June 12th and that should ensure for quite sometime that Sadie will be an only child. I love being a Mommy, but I cannot at thins time, imagine being a Mommy to more than one. She's perfect afterall. How do you top perfection?! :) We also visited Ruby Tuesday's for lunch. Now, I will admit, this is not my favorite restaurant and its definitely trying to go more upscale than it used to be, but let me tell you...it will be my first choice everytime John will be willing to go there now...just for the tea. You read that right. The tea. They have new iced teas on their menu now. They dice up fresh fruit and add ice and unsweetened (or sweetened) iced tea. I got unsweetened iced tea with peaches. Fresh, sweet, delicious peaches. It was amazing. Delicious. And best of all, free refills! I had two there and our server (who rocked!) was nice enough to give me a large one to go. It was incredibly delicious. A flavor parade! Now if only they would start doing this at someplace where I actually like the food....

We also went to Babies R US and bought Sadie's umbrella stroller. They're the stick strollers that fold up easily and fit in the car trunk or on the floor unlike her Graco stroller that fits her car seat. We took easily an hour comparing them and ultimately ended up with a Chico Traveller in Seventies print. (http://www.chiccousa.com/gear/strollers/ct06-capri/ct06-capri-seventies.aspx) Our other choice was a MacClaren Triumph (http://www.maclarenbaby.com/us/content/view/100/492/lang,en/). This was my first choice, but I was overruled by John and the price tag (50% more expensive than the Chico Traveller). Ouch. Anyway, Sadie wheeled around in her stroller for the remainder of the afternoon and seemed to be happy with our choice. I love her big stroller (the Graco Passage SnugRide Travel System in Melbourne http://www.gracobaby.com/Catalog/Pages/productlistingPage.aspx?catid=10:4001+13:42949594581#/1576) , but the Chico is great for a quick, light stroller.

We met with my therapist this afternoon as well. Good. Our last stop before home was a fantastically wonderful store called A Southern Season. Its like the ultimate in upscale grocery stores. Meats, hundreds of cheeses, freshly baked breads and desserts, a wall of coffee, tea and chocolate, aisles and aisles of specialty foods catagorized by country and type. Tons of fresh flowers, aisles of small appliances, cutting boards and knives. The entire line of Vera Bradley. Aisles and aisles of wines and beers. Dishes and glasses and baking everythings. I love, love, love that store. Bonus: everything was on sale. YEAY! We got John a new coffee grinder (because I used his to grind nuts because my food processor broke...cheap POS) and some other little things. I bought some brandy butter for scones. I love shopping there. I could spend lots and lots.

The resto f the weekend, as I noted, was devoted to Sadie. She had a backslide on Saturday and was uncomfortable the rest of the weekend. I'm exhausted, John's exhausted and I could seriously use a nap....and a decent meal.

I'm on my way to picj Sadie up from Grandma's house shortly and I am hoping she's in an easier mood. We need to cook for Bogey today so we'll be in the kitchen. She does so enjoy cooking with me...at least, I hope she does. :)

There is nothing better

2009-05-30T13:33:00.002-04:00

There is nothing better in the entire world than being Sadie's mommy. I am so happy and feel so blessed every day!!! I love her so much and she's so cute I could just snuggle her to pieces!!!!!!!!!

I would gladly post pictures, but my *P*O*S* camera won't let the pictures go! WTH!?

Lunch?

2009-05-30T11:38:00.001-04:00

Starving.

Geeked!

2009-05-30T11:34:00.001-04:00

The Wojos are meeting us at Lake Moomaw for Labor Day! Can't wait!!!!!! :)

Would it kill him?!??!

2009-05-30T11:32:00.001-04:00

Seriously, I know there are tons and tons and tons of things to do, but seriously, would it kill him to take the baby into the living room, close the door and let me sleep?!?!?!? PLEASE!!!! I need a nap or I will collapse.

John, I love you, but I NEED HELP!

Crying

2009-05-28T20:14:00.001-04:00

We're both crying right now. :( I can't do anything to make my baby better. :(

Sadie update...

2009-05-28T19:43:00.002-04:00

Sadie went to the pediatrician today. This tummy virus has hit her hard. She's lost 1/2 pound...which is a lot when you only weigh 10! That's 5% of her body weight! (What I wouldn't give!!!) We took her diaper off at the scale and she had filled it so, I had to dash back to the room with her (without getting poop on me!) to get a fresh diaper and get her wiped off. While I was trying to get her wipes and diaper...yup, she enjoyed the fresh air. Peed and pooped (the only difference between them was the color...) all over the table/floor...and me. She nailed my pants. Nice.

Anyway, we did straight Pedialyte for 18 hours and managed to keep her hydrated so we avoided a trip to the hospital for fluids!! YEAY! This evening we've started one ounce of Pedialyte mixed with one ounce of Isomil. Once an hour. One unhappy, hungry baby. :( She's just miserable. :(

I hope this plan has her on the road to recovery. We could both use some sleep.

Lofty goals for the weekend

2009-05-26T23:59:00.002-04:00

Goals for the weekend:

Garden planting (tomatoes, cucumbers, onion, peppers)

Tree planted for Sadie (only a few months late)

I'd like to plant some full sun roses along the fence our yard shares with the Hensons.

Hydrangeas to fill in the hydrangea bed on the North side of the house.

Clean out laundry room

Sweep/Wash floors

Dust

De-clutter

Do something about upstairs scariness

Okay, I may need more than one weekend...maybe 6...to start....

We interrupt the regularly scheduled programming....

2009-05-26T23:57:00.001-04:00

I will finish the Memorial Day travelogue, but I have to interject this one thing. I AM SO PISSED! I have been trying to download my pictures from my camera onto my computer and it keeps telling me that they are not compatible. Um, excuse me? They're the same damn pictures that I've been downloading onto the computer. In fact, it's the same FRIGGIN' memory card!! What the heck!!! I hate technology. (And I'm fairly certain it hates me.)

Memorial Day Weekend. Day Three: Adventures in Diaperland.

2009-05-26T20:48:00.004-04:00

Sunday started out uneventfully. We gathered at Alycia and Richard's camper for morning coffee (yes, even I had a cup of coffee!! Or...really, cream and sugar with a little coffee mixed in), pepperoni rolls and Barb's cherry walnut bars. Yum! Linda was making buckwheat cakes for breakfast which turned into buckwheat cakes for lunch. I'm just assuming she wasn't motivated Sunday morning which is totally fine. Like I mentioned, we had snacked hardcore.

What I really, really wanted at lunchtime was a shower. The problem was the loop we were camping was having plumbing problems. Mostly drainage issues. The waste station was two loops away and apparently there were some problems pumping it all that way. So the closest bathrooms were closed and I headed up to the showers. Now, showering at camp is never my favorite thing. With the exception of the water pressure, I hate, hate, hate camping at camp. People just have no sense of.... cleanliness. Seriously, what do your homes look like, people?!? And this time, there wasn't even water pressure. It was more like a fine mist. Forget conditioner. It was a struggle just getting the soap washed off. Regardless of its downsides, I felt somewhat clean and that really was the primary objective.

The majority of the family went to the sand beach. Again, we had the dogs and dogs aren't allowed on the sand beach so we opted to go to the little rocky beach across the street from our campsite which is mostly used for people to tie up their boats and to fish from shore. We put Sadie into her bathing suit. Our little watermelon!! SO CUTE! We walked across the street....with the dogs. It was a little too crowded and a little too small for all of us and our dogs so we dipped Sadie's little feet in and headed back to the campsite. Sadie was so fussy and so miserable. I took her into the camper to rest, have a bottle and hopefully take a nap. Again, she was just in her diaper...why did I pack all those clothes!?!? LOL! Then the diaper explosions began. Liquid. Fantastic. Then the vomiting began. Chunky. (How can it be chunky? She's on a liquid diet!) Just ducky. It was a long, long evening/night. Her tummy was just SO upset and so....inconsolable. She went to sleep very early (in her swing and the bed in David's motor home) and slept hard. I even managed to get her from David's motor home to our camper, diaper changed, swaddled and into bed without waking her up. We didn't get to campfire, but it was okay because I was so worried about Sadie that I don't think I could have enjoyed it. I even got up to check on her during the night because she hadn't woken up. I think this was the night I hit my head on the wall while using the bathroom....still, it was worth it to not have to go to the bathhouse!!!!

Memorial Day Weekend. Day Two: Thank goodness for generators!

2009-05-26T20:16:00.002-04:00

Saturday Memorial Day weekend started off nicely. It was a brisk, sunny morning...on its way to becoming a humid, scorching afternoon. Linda made buckwheat cakes. I was in heaven. After eating my fill (for 4!), we headed back to the camper to get ready for the day.

Alycia, Richard, Nicholas, Lois and John H. headed to Cass Railroad for the day. I had hoped we would be able to join them, but we had brought the dogs along on the trip and had no where to leave them. I had look into kenneling them at Cass Railroad, but had read the kennel is only attended on a volunteer basis and could possibly involve just leaving them in a cage and going. I was not comfortable with that and John was more interested in doing as little as possible so we decided we would do Cass Railroad on a dog-less trip.

Hot + Humid + Infant = Not so fun. Sadie was such a trooper. She lasted as long as she could outside, but once she was down to just her diaper there wasn't anything else I could do for her. She was so miserable. So Uncle David fired up the generator in the motor home and she snoozed and played in her travel swing (with her Aunt Barb, Aunt Linda and Great-Grandma (and Mommy for a little while...)) until the highest heat of the afternoon passed. Thank goodness for generators and sweet Uncle Davids. :)

The dogs were really, really well behaved and I was so proud of them. I'm always nervous taking them to camp, but as always, they impressed me. And as an added bonus, mine weren't the bad, noisy dogs at camp!

Dinner was fantastic. Aunt Jody grilled veggies that were phenomenal! Green, red and yellow peppers, onions and potatoes sprinkled with oregano and garlic...cooked on the grill. Fantastic. Plus, there were cold salads, pork barbecue and kielbasa.

The Sadie adventure begins at campfire on Saturday evening. She started SCREAMING. It was a scream I have never heard before. Like she was in pain. Huge tears. My heart was breaking. Her Daddy bounced her and tried and tried. She finally burped, but still continued to cry and cry and cry.... we headed back to the camper. I felt terribly because we were hosting Lois (John's Mom) and here was an inconsolable newborn. Sadie was asleep by the time we got to the camper, but she woke up again and continued to cry. She spit up and then fell fast asleep...all night! Her first full night!!!!!! She slept about 8 hours and I was a happy, happy, happy Mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We put a few things away and headed to bed (under John's camper warming gift of Star Wars linens!!) after washing our faces, brushing our teeth and going to the bathroom IN THE CAMPER! Campers ROCK!!

Sunday was bound to be an awesome, restful day.... or would it be?

Memorial Day Weekend. Day One: Lola is a stupid whore.

2009-05-26T17:12:00.004-04:00

Travelogue: Stardate -313612.3037480975 (No, seriously, there's a website that will calculate the Stardate based on the actual date...)

Lola is a stupid, stupid, stupid whore. No, Lola isn't the neighborhood hussy, she's my ridiculously stupid GPS. Okay, maybe she's not that ridiculously stupid, seeing as she did deliver me to my intended destination. Maybe, I'm just that stupid for following her. I had received directions well in advance. Two sets, actually. The first set from John courtesy of MapQuest and the second a TripTik courtesy of my boss Judy Ward and her AAA membership. Which did I choose to follow? Neither. I followed Lola. The stupid whore. Sadie, Kaiser, Kizmet, Bogey and I set off from South Boston about 12:15 on Friday May 22, 2009 after having to wait for a prescription to be ready for pick up at Walmart. I headed up 501 toward Lynchburg as all three sets of directions began. This is where they all seemed to deviate and I apparently, chose the road less followed. SERIOUSLY less followed. Lola took us through some delightfully quaint towns including Lynchburg, Bedford and Clifton Forge and right up onto the Blue Ridge Parkway.

Here's where the wheels kinda fell off the wagon. The Blue Ridge Parkway is GORGEOUS. It's is also extremely curvy and tight. So, here's me, the dogs and Sadie ascending the mountain in an overpacked SUV praying we wouldn't fall off the side. My knuckles gripped the steering wheel tightly as I looked out the passenger side window on a few turns and could still see the back end of the Trooper coming around the turn it was so tight. On two occasions I actually had to STOP THE TRUCK so the car/truck coming around the corner could go as we couldn't both fit at the same time. As the Trooper is a manual and I'm nervous driving it anyway, I thought for sure we were going to roll back down the mountain as I tried to get it started back up the incline. I wasn't sure whether I was going to throw up or wet myself. Even Kizmet was dry heaving in the back of the truck from the curviness of the road. The lines coming up on the GPS screen were so on top of each other they were just one big pink blob instead of individual turns in the road.

Then we had to come back down the mountain! YIKES!!! Oh my goodness. I really thought for sure in a few spots we were just going to slide down the road. It was like I couldn't even grip...and it wasn't even wet. Just that steep. The no truck/trailer warning signs should have been my first clue that this drive was going to SUCK. The speed limit on the Blue Ridge Parkway is 45mph. In who's friggin' dreams?!?!? I cannot imagine ANYONE (even the biggest idiot driver on the planet) going 45 mph on that road. I managed 25 at some places, but usually somewhere in the 15-20 range was pushing it. And it wasn't just me...no one was going quickly. It's a leisurely drive. Absolutely gorgeous scenery. And scary as hell.

Eventually we arrived at our destination (in about 5.5 hours...not bad for a 3.5 hour drive) : Bolar Mountain Campground on Lake Moomaw in Warm Springs, VA. A truly lovely place. Woodsy. Lakey. Isolated. Just the refreshing, relaxing setting we needed for a rejuvenating weekend. Which was good, since I had a tension headache from clinching my jaw as visions of Sadie, the dogs and I flying off a mountain.

Dinner was fabulous. Cold salads and hamburgers and hot dogs cooked over the campfire. Is there anything better than food cooked over a campfire? It just has this...taste. So, so yummy. Sadie had formula. There was lots of visiting and passing the baby around. Sadie, John and I took tour of Uncle David's enormous motorhome. It is insanely nice! It really is like a rolling home. It's got a kitchen and master bedroom, big bathroom, living area with a sofa, a dinette and three recliners! SO NICE! Our motorhome warming present was a gallon of fresh apple cider I stopped and bought in the mountains from a little roadside stand.

Our new home away from arrived that evening around 10:00pm. John, David and Scott got the camper set and we pretty much just threw our stuff in that night and then got into bed. Sadie was already asleep and we were struggling to keep our eyes open. I only had enough energy to wash my face, brush my teeth and put linens on the bed.

I will never trust Lola again... or maybe next time I will just follow the directions John gave me since he had already checked out the insane route Lola had chosen for us. :)

I did make one mistake aside from following Lola: I followed Lola. No one knew I was following Lola. Cell signal? HA! These people haven't even discovered banjos to make that scary lost in Deliverence-type music much less a cell tower. What if something had happened? Seriously, I didn't even think about it until Saturday and I was reflecting on the beauty of being alive and not dead at the bottom of a mountain. Stupid, stupid, Sam. Nothing I can do about it now, but I will never do it again. Especially with Sadie in the car.

There's no place like home...

2009-05-25T21:54:00.002-04:00

I always love coming home after a vacation (except for the laundry and unpacking). I love snuggling with my cats, I love sleeping in my own bed, I love showering in my own shower. This homecoming is particularly welcome. It was a long weekend and not particularly relaxing. I am so very happy to be home....even if I have to go to work in the morning. :)

A full weened report and pics of our new home away from home coming tomorrow. For now, I am going to enjoy the snuggles of my kids. Half of them are already snoring. I hope to be soon to follow.

Lilah tov, chalomot paz!

Poor little man.

2009-05-22T07:40:00.002-04:00

Um....I suck. I don't know how to apologize enough to my little Bogey. I gave him a haircut after his bath last night. I'm so, so sorry. In an effort to remove the hair from around his eyes (because he always gets hair in his eyes and it makes the dry eye even worse because now the eye boogers are caked in hair), I have made him look like he just wandered out of a camp. He looks like he is in desperate need of a toupee. I feel so guilty. (Though, at least this time I did not almost circumcise him with the scissors while trimming the hair around his little wingus...) Grooming is not my calling.

Pictures of the maiming to follow....poor little guy.

I did forget something.

2009-05-22T07:39:00.003-04:00

So I went to pack my pills. Up, only had one left of one I can't skip. Stupid, stupid Sam. I guess this is the down side of using those week pill organizers. Sometimes, things get forgotten if you're running out because you don't see it every day. Oh well. That pushes departure time back until at least 10am to allow the pharmacy time to fill it.

The End and the Beginning...

2009-05-22T01:02:00.002-04:00

I've finally finished packing. I know for a fact I overpacked. In my zeal to remember everything, I think I packed everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Could Sadie possible go through all those swaddlers? All those onesies? All those pants? Well, you just never know. The weather is so unpredictable in Virginia...and she could have some wardrobe 'malfunctions' that require changing her clothes. As for the rest, I think I did okay. I probably over did it on the tea, but I actually got all my clothes into one carry-on style bag and all my toiletries and sundries into my toiletry kit (granted, it's the LL Bean Family Sized toiletry kit--in Aloha Blue. Gotta pack a variety of over the counter drugs, shampoo, conditions, toothpaste.......etc.). I also managed to get it all into the Trooper while still leaving the entire back open for the dogs to lay down back there. I'm pretty impressed with me! LOL! I think the only thing that will have to go back there tomorrow is the cooler which will take up space, but I see no other option aside from leaving it here and that's not really an option.

Anyway, I'm headed to bed. No alarm clock set. Though I imagine Sadie will go off at the regularly scheduled time of "whenever she damn well pleases."

Good night. Have a great weekend!!!!!!!!

Lake Moomaw--George Washington National Forest

2009-05-21T16:57:00.003-04:00

Our weekend destination!

A Beach at Lake Moomaw

Lake Moomaw
Up in the Alleghany Highlands, nestled into a canyon once called Kincaid Gorge, lies Gathright Dam. This massive earthen structure backs up the Jackson River for over 12 miles, forming Lake Moomaw. A U. S. Army Corps of Engineers project, Lake Moomaw was constructed for downstream flow augmentation (water quality), flood control, and recreation. The idea for a lake above the City of Covington was hatched just after World War II, but the project was not completed until the early 1980's. The backwater of the Jackson River flooded acres of bottomland once owned by Thomas Gathright. The project was pushed forward by Covington businessman Benjamin Moomaw, after which the lake was named.

Lake Moomaw is the second largest impoundment in western Virginia. It covers 2,530 surface acres and has a maximum depth of 152 feet. The impoundment is "drawn down" between 10-15 feet annually, beginning slowly in June and reaching its lowest level usually by September. There are 43 miles of undeveloped, wooded shoreline.

http://www.dgif.virginia.gov/fishing/waterbodies/display.asp?id=88

Cross your fingers for nice, warm weather days and cool campfire nights!!!!

Going out of my mind

2009-05-21T09:54:00.004-04:00

So much to do, so little time. In reality, there isn't that much to do and there's plenty of time to do it, but I, for some reason, am really feeling the pressure. Friday morning (that's tomorrow), I will pack up Sadie, Kaiser, Kizmet and Bogey into the Trooper and begin our journey to Bolar Mountain. It's a camping trip. How much stress could a camping trip cause? Apparently, a lot. It has to be because of Sadie. This is her first camping trip. It's not her first long trip as we've been out to John's house in Bluewell, WV twice already. The problems are: (1) I am traveling alone; (2) I also have three dogs to travel with; and (3) it won't be so easy to just run out to the Walmart to get what I forgot. Apparently, there are no Walmarts in George Washington National Forest...thank goodness. Their evil (though evidently necessary) empire's reach only extends so far...

THAT'S the stress. I'm packing up what's left to pack up, alone. John packed up and took a good bit last Sunday, but what's left is my responsibility...including everything we need for Sadie. Gulp. PRESSURE! What if I forget something? Did he tell me to pack something and in my panic, I don't know what it is???? I'm kinda freaking out. Which means, I'm not relaxed which is what a camping trip should be about. Relaxation. Maybe I will calm down once I'm on the road. Though, that's doubtful. When I'm on the road, I'll be viewing every car, truck, RV, and semi as crazy drivers out to run my family off the road. I've noticed a marked increase of idiot drivers since Sadie's arrival. NUTS, I tell you, NUTS! (And I'm pretty sure I used to be one of them...) Seriously, the speed limits aren't a suggestion, turn signals are not optional and headlights are a necessary safety tool! If only I could convince VDOT to clear the road between here and Warm Springs....

Anyway, I'm stressing. I shouldn't be. What's the worse thing that could happen? I forget the formula and the baby starves to death. Oh, shoes. That's not good. Or, I get half way there and realize I've forgotten the directions. Or my wallet so I can't get gas and am stranded on the side of the road for some serial killer to wander by and kidnap us. Yikes. Kaiser would save us, right? I'm gonna go with yes so I can sleep tonight.

So, note to self:
formula
wallet
baby
dogs

Everything else, I guess I can buy....but lets hope I remember more than that.

Flabby

2009-05-19T16:15:00.003-04:00

So, my summer clothes are missing. Yes, all of them. I am assuming the box went to my mother's house when she moved. Otherwise, I cannot imagine what would have happened to them.... perhaps a band of roving theives broke in and after placating the dogs with treats (because, seriously, that's all it would take) stole my box of summer clothes thinking, my aren't these stylish.

Anyway, I digress. The problem I face now is the flab. I gained a total of 9 pounds during my pregnancy. (I'd like to thank 16-weeks of violent morning sickness and cravings for oranges and diet A&W root beer.) So, as I gave birth to a 7lb 8oz baby and lost various other fluids and bits and pieces, you would think I'd be a happy camper when it came to going to procure some new shorts. No, no. Show me that in a much smaller size, please! Um, or not. Nothing is where it used to be. I may be smaller, but I can't tell one bit. The flab...it's just hanging there. Shirts, I'm fine with. Though I could give Dolly Parton a run for her money. Pants? Where the heck is all that flab supposed to go?!?!?!?!? Why isn't it gone yet? Oh. That's probably due to my post childbirth diet of coffee cakes and frosted mini-wheats. (I've recently gotten back on track...) What a depressing shopping trip. I eventually found 2 pair of shorts. Yes, they're maternity. I'm so embarassed, but it was the only way to get shorts that weren't really, really big and baggy everywhere else to fit my flabby, nasty belly. The bonus: they still have that fabulous stretchy waistband! So comfy!

I suppose I should step back for a moment and give thanks for my flabby belly. After all, my flabby belly allowed Sadie to grow and be healthy and I suppose I could sort of look at my flabby belly and it's gorgeous streaky marks as battle scars (I fought pregnancy and won!), but...not so much. It's just....flabby. Ick. Good things it's Spring. Time to start walking again.

Paint

2009-05-19T10:39:00.002-04:00

I want to paint. Desperately. Where, you ask? The entryway. Some of you may not know this (though any of you who have seen the color of my entryway are probably somewhat aware) but I have some trouble seeing color. I'm not color blind, just color deficient. The lovely LIME green is starting to wear on me a bit. I can't stand it. It's getting more limey by the day. I want to paint it. In fact, I am attributing this green to my bad moods lately. Plus, I don't like to stagnate. Decor cannot remain year after year after year. Change is the key to living in the moment.

So, what color should I paint it? (That is, if I can talk John into letting me (us) paint it...it has been almost 4 years after all!) It's a large, long space and, obviously, the first thing you see when you walk in the door. Perhaps a less GREEN green. I didn't intend for it to be SO green. Or maybe a nice grey-blue? Or go neutral and paint cream? The problem with grey-blue is that is the color I planned to paint the office (which is currently the living room). I plan on decorating with newspapers and John's black and whites with HUGE built-in bookcases... However, I digress. What color for the entry way???

Hmmm...probably have to wait until Sadie's room is finished though. That would be the best idea....

I am also overwhelmed with the yellow in my room, but that I can deal with until we move upstairs and can remodel that room. The walls will have to come down to put in new windows and the outside door anyway so I'll paint then. Perhaps something dramatic as it will be our living room.

Plans, plans, plans, but I have GOT to get rid of that green.

Places I would live if I could and money weren't an object

2009-05-19T10:22:00.004-04:00

(1) London. I love, love, love, love London.
(2) Seattle. I'm feeling like perhaps the Pacific Northwest is where I should be.
(3) St. Thomas. Hello?!? It's a tropical island. Do I need any other reason? Oh yeah, High Pockets!!!! But if I lived there, I'd buy my own High Pockets!
(4) Washington DC. There's no shortage of things to do and I kinda know my way around. The downside is the people and the traffic.
(5) Miami or one of the Keys. Inexplicably I am attracted to South Florida. Beach, beach, beach! And easy access to last minute cruise deals!
(6) Savannah. I think I could pull off Southern Belle quite well.
(7) Toronto. I miss it. So much to do. Accessibility.
(8) Jerusalem. I've never been anywhere else where religion and faith was virtually palpable. The downside is the possibility of getting blown up every day.
(9) Colorado somewhere. I like the snow and would like the opportunity to ski whenever possible.
(10) Coastal Oregon. There's something that seems very peaceful about the Pacific Northwest. Perhaps its the trees and the rain.
(11) Isle of Iona, Island off the western coast of Scotland. Isolated. Only accessible by ferry. Gorgeous. Quiet.

Name that Quote

2009-05-17T23:41:00.002-04:00

Does anyone know where the line, "By a partial, prejudiced and ignorant historian" comes from? No Google cheating! :) I'll need the author, title and character (those are clues....) :)

Something Clever

2009-05-17T23:39:00.001-04:00

Yes, friends, I did in fact name the blog Samantha's Something Clever because I could not actually think of something clever to name it. :)

Melancholy and Infinitely Sad

2009-05-17T23:11:00.002-04:00

I'm not quite sure what's going on with me the last few weeks. I am just so.....sad. Could it be the baby blues have just taken their time to show up? In my opinion though it doesn't feel like "that kind" of sad. (Though, really, how would I know...it's not as if I've done this before...) Sadie lights up my day. I am still finding it difficult to comprehend all the ways she has changed my life and ALL for the better. It's feels like a rut. Like I've dug myself a hole I can't get out of. My heart hurts. My brain hurts. I am anxious and lethargic all at once. I am finding it hard to find good and happy beyond Sadie and the furbabies. I just can't get...happy. (It probably doesn't help that I feel like a whale.) You all know me, and for the most part, know my mental health issues. It's not that I'm not seeking help. After all, looking into my medicine cabinet makes me realize I could probably make more money selling my prescription drugs on the street than I do going to work. (Note to "The Man" who may be monitoring this blog (why, I'm not sure...you must have better things to do...), I would never actually do that....unless the money was REALLY good...just kidding...or maybe not...)

I just can't get out of this rut. I feel like I should be on top of the world and, to a huge extent, I am. I have never been so happy to have been proven wrong in my life. Sadie is an amazing miracle and I feel so blessed to have the privilege to know her and watch her grow. But what about those other moments? Those other dark, panicked moments where the anxiety seems like it is taking me over and the terrifying moments when I fear Sadie may feel this out of control someday as well. John said something to me today. "How do you feel this way all the time?" He was feeling a bit scattered and overwhelmed and didn't know where to start with his packing. I explained to him that I really didn't know, I just did. The medicine helps balance me, certainly. That's what its designed to do. But then I realized, he's scattered and overwhelmed about packing. For me, it's life. Yes, situational anxiety is a part of life, but what about when it's every moment? It's not just where to start packing. It feels like trying to keep your brain on track when it feels like its flying off the tracks. I feel like that is something he will never understand and I hope he never even comes close, but at the same time I need him to understand. I cannot help this and sometimes I feel guilty because...I feel like I should be able to keep it under control.

Tonight, I am up with Sadie. She isn't sleeping well. Her tummy hurts, I assume. Perhaps she ate too fast, or overate or.... it could be a million things. She can't tell me which of the million, though. That has to be frustrating for her. As frustrating as it is for me because I cannot fix what I do not know is broken.

I started to think, maybe the sadness is knowing that, regardless of its positive or negative connotations, life will never be the same again. All I have is this moment to live in. I cannot know what the next will hold, but I know they are forever going to be about more than just me. Maybe that's the problem. I have been such a selfish being for so long. Perhaps I am sad because I can no longer be selfish. I now live to make things better for my daughter....

I'll figure it out, I suppose. I'll be back to my old chipper self in no time. (Though, seriously, was I ever chipper?!? Definitely not in the mornings!)

Hm. I feel better already. Okay, not really, but I didn't want to end the post (which is probably more personal information than you ever wanted to know...) on a sour note. So... um.... PUPPIES! (Always makes me feel better!) :)

Confession of the Day: May 17, 2009

2009-05-17T12:50:00.002-04:00

Confession of the day: I wear ladies underwear. :)

Surprising, eh? :)

Already skipping out on service

2009-05-15T23:39:00.002-04:00

The Sisterhood Shabbat service was tonight...and Sadie skipped it! She'd start to cry every time John brought her into the sanctuary! Apparently, she was fine at the Oneg and was, of course, the talk of the congregation (who wouldn't want to talk about her!?!?), but she's already skipping out on services and she's only 2 1/2 months old...what will we do when its time to go to Religious School in the mornings!?!?!?!?

Goodnight. Tonight, I hope its tornado free!

Mission: Accomplished!

2009-05-15T23:32:00.003-04:00

Apparently, the Australia trip is a matter of money....ya think?! I was very subtle in breaking the vacation news to John. I sent him the link to my blog and let him read about it! Brilliant, right?!?!? I thought so! Anyway, he didn't say no, but he doesn't think Sadie will be ready to snorkel. The best solution would be to take another person along on the trip to watch Sadie while we are doing fun things like SNORKELING ON THE GREAT BARRIER REEF!!!!!!!!!!!! We'll have to see. That's a LOT of money and it'll be an expensive trip even if its just the three of us. I think Sadie will be an awesome traveler because she's an awesome baby, but....he might be right (oh my goodness, that's in print now...) she may not be ready to snorkel at 2 years and change. That makes me sad. :(

In many ways I am so excited to see her grow and discover things and take vacations, but in so many other ways I would keep her a baby forever. She's too perfect!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, there's like many, many hundreds of days before we leave on vacation, but I AM SO GEEKED!

Disaster Preparedness by Samantha Wills

2009-05-15T05:50:00.009-04:00

M'kay. I'm all about safety. John wakes me up this morning to a crash of deafening thunder with the word TORNADO. I was calm. Cool. Collected. In order to save us all, I got out of bed to close the bedroom door to the porch. Yup. That'll save us. Apparently in my fog, my brain thought the door might keep the tornado on the other side of it. Durh. So, I grabbed the baby out of her crib (probably fast enough to give her whiplash...OoPs) and proceeded to the Butler's Pantry where I sat with her as we herded what pets we could into the space (all the dogs, none of the cats...you know that saying 'it's like herding cats?' As it turns out, that's hard!) You might be asking yourself, "Sam, where were you bright enough to sit in the butler's pantry?" Up against the stackable washer and dryer. Brilliant. The only thing that holds the dryer on top of the washer is a few brackets with some screws. Friggin' brilliant.

Then, John deems it safe to run back into the bedroom to get the computer to see the weather advisories. No tornado warning. No tornado watch. Not even a severe thunderstorm warning (though it is thundering and raining something fierce...). We've been had! For nothing happening, that was some FREAKY thunder.

For a few years during my childhood I lived in Omaha, Nebraska and I can remember my Dad rounding us up and getting us into the basement virtually whenever there was thunder thinking it was a tornado coming (this in turn caused me to be afraid of thunderstorms well into my 20's and then suddenly, around 26 or so, I started to find them soothing...I think this incident may cause a backward slide...) I remember the freaky thunder...I just don't remember what it sounded like! Was our freaky thunder, tornado freaky thunder? I don't know, but for just a few moments I was 6 again and flipping out in the basement....

Next time, I will be more prepared. I will perhaps grab my glasses instead of getting up to close the door.

It's 6am now. We've been up for over an hour and are now headed back to bed. If there was a tornado the NOAA and Weather Channel aren't aware of it. No watches. No warnings. Just panic here at 1211 Washington. (Seriously, aren't there sirens? I vividly remember sirens as a child....or is that just a Midwest thing?)

The one thing I do so love about hurricanes...unlike tornados, they give you warning.

G'night. Again.

LOL...what am I thinking!?!?

2009-05-14T17:37:00.001-04:00

I guess I should start thinking of how to keep a 2 year old busy and happy on flights that will literally take a DAY! I must be out of my mind..... BUT SO GEEKED! And, after all, Sadie *IS* the perfect baby...she'll be the perfect toddler too, right? RIGHT?!?!?!?!

So sweet...

2009-05-14T17:14:00.003-04:00

Someone posted this on our March 2009 Playroom Message Board at JustMommies.com

So sweet....Sadie has been worth every lost moment of sleep, every dollar spent and every ounce of labor pain. I have never been so in love with anything in my entire life. She is amazing.

The government recently calculated the cost of raising a child from birth to 18 and came up with $160,140.00 for a middle income family. Talk about price shock! That doesn't even touch college tuition.

But $160,140.00 isn't so bad if you break it down. It translates into:
* $8,896.66 a year,
* $741.38 a month,
* $171.08 a week.
* A mere $24.24 a day!
* Just over a dollar an hour.

Still, you might think the best financial advice is; don't have children if you want to be 'rich.' Actually, it is just the opposite.

What do you get for your $160,140.00?
* Naming rights. First, middle, and last!
* Glimpses of G-d every day.
* Giggles under the covers every night.
* More love than your heart can hold.
* Butterfly kisses and Velcro hugs.
* Endless wonder over rocks, ants, clouds, and warm cookies.
* A hand to hold usually covered with jelly or chocolate.
* A partner for blowing bubbles and flying kites.
* Someone to laugh yourself silly with, no matter what the Boss said or how your stocks performed that day.

For $160,140.00, you never have to grow up. You get to:
* finger-paint,
* carve pumpkins,
* play hide-and-seek,
* catch lightning bugs,
* never stop believing in Santa Claus.

You have an excuse to:
* keep reading the Adventures of Piglet and Pooh,
* watch Saturday morning cartoons,
* go to Disney movies, and
* wish on stars.

You get to frame rainbows, hearts, and flowers under refrigerator magnets and collect spray painted noodle wreaths for Christmas, hand prints set in clay for Mother's Day, and cards with backward letters for Father's Day.

For a mere $24.24 a day, there is no greater bang for your buck. You get to be a hero just for:
* retrieving a Frisbee off the garage roof,
* taking the training wheels off a bike,
* removing a splinter,
* filling a wading pool,
* coaxing a wad of gum out of bangs, and
* coaching a baseball team that never wins but always gets treated to ice cream regardless.

You get a front row seat in history to witness the:
* First step,
* First word,
* First bra,
* First date,
* First time behind the wheel.

You get to be immortal. You get another branch added to your family tree, and if you're lucky, a long list of limbs in your obituary called grandchildren and great grandchildren. You get an education in psychology, nursing, criminal justice, communications, and human sexuality that no college can match..

In the eyes of a child, you rank right up there under G-d. You have all the power to heal a boo-boo, scare away the monsters under the bed, patch a broken heart, police a slumber party, ground them forever, and love them without limits, so one day they will, like you, love without counting the cost. That is quite a deal for the price!!!!!!!

Love & enjoy your children & grandchildren & great-grandchildren!!!!!!!

It's the best investment you'll ever make!!!!!!!!

G'day Mates!

2009-05-14T16:22:00.007-04:00

So now I am SUPER, SUPER, SUPER GEEKED! I have made the executive decision to determine the location of our 2011 vacation...We're going to the LAND DOWN UNDER! Dave Double Dog Dared us to go with them. How do you say no to that?!?

Wow, is it going to be ridiculously expensive to fly the THREE of us to Australia, BUT we get to go with our dear friends Dave, Shelly and Kyle to celebrate Kyle's high school graduation and acceptance to his college of choice AND *WE* get to SNORKEL the GREAT BARRIER REEF!!!! OH MY GOODNESS AM I GEEKED!!!!!!! I am totally sure that by then Sadie will be a snorkel PRO!

Now...there are big things to do. Are we cruising or land vacationing?

Biggest of all...how do I tell John?!?!? LOL! He'll understand the power of the Double Dog Dare, won't he?!?!? Maybe I'll bribe him by working some extra hours when I can to pay for SCUBA lessons for him...I'll even make sure the boat doesn't leave him stranded on the Reef...

SO EXCITED! :)

www.greatberrierreef.org

HA! The Chinese got it wrong!

2009-05-14T09:56:00.001-04:00

I just used the Chinese Gender Predictor to see if it was correct (apparently, it's over 90% accurate...). NOPE! It predicted I would have a boy (age 27 at conception in the month of June) and Sadie is definitely a girl! I would have been happy with a healthy baby of any gender, but I am so in love with my little GIRL!!
Can you tell its a bit slow in class today?!?

Confession of the Day

2009-05-13T23:20:00.000-04:00

Confession of the Day : Wednesday May 13, 2009

A tame one: My Mom's chicken was exceptionally dry and flavorless tonight, but I told her it was good anyway because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. (On the upside, the stuffing ROCKED and I ate enough to make up for the chicken yuckiness...she makes it with cranberries and cinnamon spiced apples and it is perhaps the best stuffing ever!!!)

Doesn't everyone do this at one time or another? Nice or doing myself a disservice? For she is bound to make another flavorless piece of cardboard in the future...

In the Beginning...

2009-05-13T23:06:00.001-04:00

So, wow. Welcome to the 21st century, Sam. My very first blog post. I decided to do this partially because I don't talk much and this is a nice way to keep you up to date on my spiral into madness (from here its unclear as to whether its a downward spiral or a rocketing ascent...) and partially because I feel like there should be a record. I was here. I have imprinted myself in cyberspace. I am hoping this will prove to be a cathartic exercise.

Mostly, this will document my curiosities, my confessions, my family, my friends, my travels, my rants on the declining quality of television shows and my inability to wrap by brain around the actions of people and politicians. (And I make the distinction because I'm not entirely certain all politicians ARE people...) You know. Life.

Read or don't read. It's up to you. :)